From Alyson’s Journal
September 4, 2010
Just listening to more African music, while re-reading Geneen Roth’s, “Women, Food, & God”, enjoying my high from Day 1 (again) of fasting, a 2 1/2+ hr. workout, and a meditation session. I am finding that this combination is resulting in some pretty excellent thoughts coming to me!
I just re-read in Geneen’s book – “…women turn to food when they are not hungry because they are hungry for something they can’t name: a connection to what is beyond the concerns of daily life.”
This explains why I’ve had a particularly difficult time in MI since coming home. This is the first time in my life when I haven’t the “concerns of daily life”. I’m living at home – this is the cheapest I could possibly be living in the U.S. at this age and I have savings & my IRA as back-up $, if necessary. I purposely did this knowing in my gut and subconscious what was going to happen. I’d have nothing but time every day for months to come face-to-face with demons that are truly preventing me from moving on into my adult life. At that time, months ago, when I was telling my Sarasota counselor of my plans, however, I couldn’t make the connection I just made.
No common daily concerns = mind left with nothing to do but think about life and existence itself.
So…that is what has been going on since I left teaching. Arguably, since I first got injured (preventing me from literally running away from what I’m face-to-face with right now) while in my final year of teaching in ’07-’08. And due to my life changes when I moved to Sarasota, I had more time – not due to less hours of work but 40+ hours of my work now (at the farm) allowed me to think about those sorts of things. All my previous jobs – especially teaching – took my mind’s full attention to perform. So, with increasing happenings/instances of major revelations correlating with the changes of my life since Sarasota, it’s no surprise that now with absolutely zero job responsibilities, I’m flipping out. I am face-to-face with all my shit with ZERO buffers!!
Shit! Seriously…no fuckin’ wonder my flip-outs have been so intense. And no fuckin’ wonder my problems with food are peaking again! No shit! This makes perfect sense.
And…guess what? Guess what my fuckin’ “Voice”? I’m learning that I CAN tolerate what I thought was intolerable! Exactly as Geneen promises! Holy shit! I’m doing it right now! Yes…my eating is still fucked up – as evidence, the fact that I’m still fasting – but everything is clear! I’m more aware of all that is going on inside me and what it all means than ever before. I’m still, at least partially in my mind, trying to “fix” myself, but I’m closer now to ending this deal I’ve made with myself for the past 12+ years.
I really do enjoy exercising and I enjoy eating healthy and I like the way I feel on the inside when I’m taking proper care of my outside (often resulting in lower weight). If I can continue to beat down these demons – my fear of love & truly opening my heart to a man; my fear of abandonment; my longing for a life partner – if I continue to battle these guys as I’m doing right now, every day of my life, I’m gonna get there! And my journey will be even easier because I truly and honestly am not punishing myself with exercise & healthy eating/living. I truly love those things. They are not a part of “fixing” myself; they are “taking care of myself”. Therefore, I don’t need to cease these activities.
What I need to stop doing is allowing these demons to win. I keep jeopardizing my relationships with men. Pursuing relationships that I KNOW I am way better than. Each time (on the rare occasions I’ve felt the requisite “spark”) I knew I deserved “better” than what each man could respectively give to me in a relationship. For different reasons, of course, as each of those potential relationships had very different “obstacles”. But, I spent my time and energy pursuing them anyway. Now, I don’t think it was an entirely bad thing. I think I learned or “got” something from each of these relationships as they happened to pan out. And I think that is additional evidence that I have indeed made significant progress.
Oh man…just to think that I really may be coming to an end – very soon – to this war with myself. Wow! My mission, that once achieved/completed, will result in my reaching of my goal of ending this war with myself: my suffering will end when I do this: get back in touch with who I REALLY am – my true nature – my essence!
That’s it! That is why I am here in MI – again…I am getting back in touch with who I REALLY am – my true nature – my essence!
I haven’t been in that place since 8th grade. I know this sounds ridiculous but I think it’s true. Not since 8th grade have I been so confident about myself by not allowing a lack of confidence about my outside translate to a lack of confidence about my inside – my essence. This began in late 9th or 10th grade.
Holy shit! I think I just had another fuckin’ revelation! I remember being totally okay with my body and eating through at least late winter of 10th grade. And I KNOW my sadness, depression, body image – all of it reached its first peak in 11th grade. I always blamed my “relationship” with my older friend, coupled with the fact that all my girlfriends began to have boyfriends in 10th grade while I didn’t. What I never really put together until just now is the EXACT correlation with my fuckin’ parents’ dating and remarriage! Holy shit! That’s it!
I fuckin’ lost it at that time. That is when I think I lost God (as Geneen talks about)…the time leading up to that January 16th 2nd wedding of my parents. I forgot my best friend’s birthday for the first time ever that year – it was 3 days prior to this date. I remember gaining weight, hating myself – especially at Junior Prom – my God…that’s it! My life truly went off course right around my 17th birthday! Almost 18 years ago! Well…that’s fuckin’ it!
My goal – by this birthday – 35 – I’m done with this shit! That gives me 3 months and I seriously think I’m gonna do this! It’s all coming together! And it’s cold & thus, beautiful outside. This is fuckin’ great! Why? Because I’m home for the first time since yes, 18 yrs old, but it is gonna be so easy to go back just two more years, to age 16 and bring THOSE memories back. Feelin’ good…confident.
I didn’t worry about food; I was stoked about life in 9th & most of 10th grade; I had super cute boyfriends; awesome girlfriends; awesome sports; life was really good. Getting back to those memories is gonna help me kill these demons once and for all. They have been beat down these past 2 1/2 years. They are weak. They are prime for the final kill! I just need to finish them off!
My longing for my cultural heritage – meet this longing by meeting with TaTa (my Dad’s mom & my grandmother) every week beginning the week of September 12th.
My visceral reaction to Indian music (among other world sounds) – interesting correlation to this being the birth place of Buddhism. Combine that with my connection to the monks, chanting, & Buddhism’s philosophy, AND with the fact that Geneen too went to India and pursued Buddhism…this may help show me that I’m well on my way to dealing with this final demon(s)!
Future journal entries – my specific connections to specific movies and…
Exploring my “talent” in “art” that has been present since childhood – massive love of movies – significant means of coping.
Wow! This is pretty intense. Something else just hit me. My pain in my core suddenly has taken on an entirely new meaning. I got hurt from literally running away and it (my injury) brought me face-to-face with this shit. And I have had pain in my core non-stop since – even after surgery. And it has been increasing as I got closer and closer to this emotional pain and now as I work to move beyond it. My God!? What if in addition to this eating problem and body image being healed…what if I also could stop feeling these pains throughout my core?! My hips, groin, pelvis areas…they’ve been in persistent pain for 3 years now. That’s a long time to not feel physically well.
I desperately need to address my core issues physically to complement how I’m now addressing them emotionally. They need to be tackled from both sides. Yoga, pilates, etc.
While there are tears ahead, there are so many more powerful, positive feelings ahead too! And…immediately!
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