I very much believe that the world will change exponentially for the “better” as more and more individuals lose their own fears about hearing, listening to, and following their unique callings in this life. As each person takes this leap in living their complete truth, it makes it that much easier for the next person to do it. Whether you personally know that next person or not – your decision to be true to yourself positively affects the world – no doubt.
Do I believe that every single person is meant to do this? I truly don’t know. But I do believe that it is absolutely worth it to pursue if you are not in a place of happiness, fulfillment, and love in your life at present. If you feel there is something missing, I would hedge bets that it has something to do with feeling limited and/or constricted in at least one area of your life. And it is beautiful as you learn that you have much, much more control than I bet you believe you have to create something better for yourself.
However, with this said, I feel it would be irresponsible for me to not share the other side of exploring these uncomfortable feelings that you have within you. Make no mistake about it – this is where the work begins in being able to take more responsibility for your own life and your own feelings. As you grow and expand, it would be silly to believe that along with the exciting, wonderful new feelings you will have, there aren’t also going to be equally new, terrifying things that you will experience and feel.
Before I put out there (in my final posts of this year) the whole of what I am doing (at least for the next 6-12 months) I have found that I need to express the reality of that other side I’ve been living since going public almost one month ago. Because what I am going to be writing and doing in the upcoming week will be opening myself up for critique about 1000 times more than I’ve already done. And I need to share what these past almost-four weeks have been like for me in terms of that other, frightening side of following your dream.
First, allow me to share a few stats from my webmaster. My webmaster, who by the way, has been doing this (creating websites for businesses and events) for over 10 years and as such, has very real credibility. She has commented multiple times about how “impressive” the draw of the business/site has been thus far. With very little advertising – only announcements in my FB posts and one mass email to my entire hotmail contact list – we have received some pretty incredible traffic.
As of last week, we have visits from 4 foreign countries and 36 states. It is difficult to know exactly, but it looks like we are averaging about 70-100 visits to the site per day. And, according to my webmaster, the most telling, impressive fact is that people are staying on the site for an AVERAGE of 6 minutes per visit! In a day and age when there is so much ADD/ADHD people are staying on the site! All of this with no real push yet. Not even close to a real push yet and this many folks are reading and paying attention. I know now there was no way to prepare for how this would affect me.
I don’t share these facts from a place of ego – not at all. If you don’t believe me regarding that statement there is nothing I can do about it for I don’t and can’t expect anyone to understand – especially if you don’t know me well. I share this to explain that this adventure is so beyond me – already. My path…my dream…due in no small part to the nature of it – has already taken on a life of its own. It has a beautiful hold on me. However, it is VERY public and that has thrown my emotional world into a whirlwind of unprecedented feelings. I know this is what I am meant to do and that it is very much my choice. However, I’ve had multiple days in the past 3 weeks of feeling more isolated, alone, and not understood than ever before. It has quite frankly scared the shit out of me. I’ve been trying to hold this back and it hit me today that I don’t think I am meant to pretend this isn’t how I am feeling. It IS how I am feeling.
I’ve never attempted anything as challenging as this. Never. I feel as if I have 100% belief in myself and where I am going but I don’t know if that means than that I shouldn’t feel scared. While I have known for years and continue to know what draw this energy has, it is something entirely new now that I am beginning to receive confirmation and validation. Am I doing this for that purpose? Of course not! Think of me as a professional athlete. Are they out there to hear the cheers? No! But does it matter when people acknowledge and cheer for them? Absolutely! Why do you think there is such a term as home-court/field advantage? Support from fans makes players perform even better! Just as Michael Jordan was meant to play basketball in this life and to be one of the best, I am meant to do and be one of the best at what I am doing – even if no one yet knows or understands what that is.
I’ve received some amazing, wonderful, surprising feedback from people in my past (and my present) that absolutely, positively 
matters. But those closest to me…I haven’t heard much at all from them. And I do understand. I truly don’t have expectations for anything from anyone. I am not waiting for anyone in particular to say anything specific. Would it matter, however, if just one of these close relationships gave me some word of encouragement, support, or belief in me? Words alone cannot express how much this would mean to me.
I know that I am unintentionally making many close to me uncomfortable for all sorts of reasons. For someone who has spent 36 years always first placing others’ feelings ahead of my own…this has been very tough for me. I was that person who wanted everyone to like me – afraid of ever saying or doing anything that stirred the pot or upset anyone – even if I had every right to say something and by not doing so, only hurt myself. I cannot hold back any longer. I must do what I am doing now. There is something beyond me pulling me and calling me to do it. All I can continue to do is to express the fact that I don’t intend to hurt anyone with what I am doing. But since this is so personal, I know I have already done this.
I feel it – I feel the judgment, disapproval, fear, and worry from many close to me. I wasn’t prepared for the emotional energy it has taken to deflect these thoughts/opinions that aren’t being expressed but are most certainly being directed at me. I feel it across the miles and I most certainly feel it in person. It has been very difficult to feel the change in my relationships with people and to adjust accordingly. Just months ago, I was so close to certain folks and now to feel that closeness gone – at least temporarily – has taken a toll. Because of my past, I feel relationships very deeply. And ever since my transformation in MI two years ago, I feel them ever more so because I am no longer afraid of being honest and thus, vulnerable. But whoa…this is some scary new land I am exploring. And…I am pretty wiped out.
I am human. I need fuel. I need strength. I need courage. I have always been able to provide a huge amount of these things for myself but now? Going forward to do what I am about to do (and I know…it still isn’t clear but within the week it will be)…I have finally realized & admitted that I do need others. I do need to hear the positive feedback in order to have the courage to keep going. You can offer support without understanding, or agreeing with what it is I am doing. Feel how you are feeling – that is very real and I wouldn’t want it any other way. But know too that if there is anything positive you are feeling from what I am doing/saying, you can share that too – nothing is too small to hear. Again, I’ve been doing this my whole life – being my own support, my own rock. It isn’t new for me to provide most of my own strength and fuel. But at this level, I have to now admit that I can’t do it alone.
This trip home to Seattle has been nothing but a huge experience in learning even more about the woman I am becoming and about identifying what my needs are and from whom I can obtain these needs. It has been unreal to become aware of this for the first time – to recognize and acknowledge that we don’t exist alone. We do need others and we don’t need to apologize for that fact. I have also FINALLY matured to discover that it is impossible to get everything you need from one person and quite honestly, very unfair to put that on any one person in your life. This all requires a high level of honesty within yourself and a willingness to communicate more completely & honestly with others. It also means you will most likely make an ass of yourself – at least once or twice. These are not easy lessons to learn – not at all!
I don’t write this for any reason but to be honest and very, very real about what it means to follow your dreams. Amazing as it is, it is also terrifying because of the fact that it is UNKNOWN! I am living now with more unknown every single day than all my previous 36 years put together. But I will continue. I am doing this and moving forward – no doubt about it. I will come out the other end to be able to share these lessons too in order to help others do as I am doing – to live your truth as completely as you desire. I am only steps ahead of any of you out there ready to do the same. And I want you to know that if and when you too leap, to know feelings like this are normal and expected. Know that you will always have the support of at least one person in the world for your own individual pursuit. I will be your biggest cheerleader.
You are all part of this – more so than you are even yet aware of. If you are reading this already, you are a huge part. And I thank you. I thank every single person that has visited, liked, commented, become a fan, subscribed, or emailed me directly…your support means EVERYTHING! Nothing is too small – it all matters and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Happy holidays and I look forward to all the writing I will be doing as the year concludes.
Alyson
Designed by Elegant Themes | Powered by Wordpress