September 12, 2010

Posted on Jun 29, 2013

From Alyson’s Journal
September 12, 2010

It’s been almost a week since I last journaled and I’ve ha a pretty shitty week. I’m beginning to think that a key to my staying on track with “things” is reading Geneen’s book EVERY day, journaling EVERY day, and meditating EVERY day. When I seem to do this combo, I feel better, I don’t overeat, I lose weight and get back to my body’s desired weight and then I feel even better. When I don’t do these things, I eat – plain & simple.

When I’m reading & writing (especially immediately after meditating) I am processing through and understanding things much more deeply. Mostly though, I’m in the present and not re-living my glory days nor dreaming of any future where “I’m thing again!”.

So…once again I state my goal of “getting back on track”. In this case, this entails getting up no later than 8am, meditating for at least 10 minutes, and going to the gym. Then, sometime during the rest of the day I need to read/journal for at least 30 minutes. This is doable because I just made another revelation.

I just realized that the past 3 years, I have been saying to myself, “Beginning tomorrow I’ll start eating right…tomorrow, or next week, or the 1st of the month.” And the message was ALWAYS centered on my eating. According to Geneen, my eating is a result of NOT feeling/living. And that if I focused on staying in the present, and address THAT – my REAL problems – the perceived “real” problem of eating takes care of itself – including, the weight loss. And I just caught myself doing this again – tomorrow I’ll start my eating “program”. NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! It’s NOT the eating!!!

It’s the dealing with these feelings & issues! That is the key! When I am doing that and it doesn’t even mean there’s an end point to that process (i.e. once I mail this letter to Dad I’m fixed and won’t have any more “issues” to deal with). No – that isn’t how it works because as long as we are living, we will have “issues” to deal with. The problems begin when you avoid dealing with them by leaving the present and thus, leaving the examination & recognition of what you feel or what you are at present.

Deal with my being and my feelings in the present = eating under control!

In the present = “good” eating!

Why have I been running from my present this week? My present included writing that stuff to Dad – re-living it all, in a sense. Too painful…so I ate and ate and avoided engaging with the world. I bolted from the present and everything went downhill from there – eating, gaining weight, feeling like shit, and continuing my favorite habitual cycle.

Shit! I just realized I do this not only when I feel really shitty – i.e. Dad stuff – but also when I get close to feeling emotions on the other end of the spectrum. When I experience happy, in love feelings – like after my date with Andy – I binged!

Totally interesting! This is intense! Stay in the present and FEEL. I’m the one always saying how much I love to really feel those extremes. So…let’s do it!

I feel myself there right now. Thoughts of food and feelings of hunger are not dominating. Quite the opposite – especially, with this music from the Himalayas playing in the background. I feel at peace.

Meditation = being in the present. This is really the only time I can get there right now. Very in tune with sound…my breathing. I must practice this a great deal more. For now, I need to feel and learn to know what this feels like – to be in the present. I need to feel it more often and watch the results. This is crazy to realize how much of the time I wasn’t/am not in the present moment. I’ve pretty much lived 95% of my time either in my past or my future since…well….at least when things went really bad in 11th grade. But…arguably…since things went sour with Mom in 7th grade. Wow! That is really a lot to contemplate.