From Alyson’s Journal
August 17, 2010
What do I feel right now?
Hopelessness, fear, desperation, anxious, ugly, unworthy, fat, loneliness, despair. Go further… I’m stuck and don’t know how to move beyond my irrational fears to begin to get unstuck. I just want to stuff my face right now.
At my core my feelings right now feel tight, pent up, unable to flow freely. I’m a little ball of despair bouncing off walls of hopelessness and there aren’t any other balls in the room.
Exhaustion, tired, alone, running in circles like a rat. The same fucking maze but I don’t seem to learn it no matter how many times life puts me threw it.
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This is a word-for-word journal entry I wrote on the date above…August 16, 2010. Over the course of the next few months you will witness just how much I was being limited due to beliefs I held about myself – expressed below. The difference is going to be so incredibly stark that most will not believe it unless they actually see it. And seeing it is what I’ve begun to share this past week with the beginning of the musical expression. My personal transformation has been the key to proving to me just how quickly we can change this world through our people. I will speak more specifically about this in the upcoming weeks. And now…to my starting point…my lowest of lows…less than 3 years ago.
I’m sick. I’m very sick and I’m very scared and I don’t know what to do. This is the worst I’ve been. It’s an eating disorder but I’m scared of calling it a “disease” I can’t control. Mom is done with me – she tried and she tried multiple times but she isn’t trained for this – no one I know is trained to help me. Therefore, I eat and remain alone as I try desperately to pull myself out of this very deep, seemingly endless hole of misery.
Looking back, I’ve been an exercise bulimic for probably a good 7 years. I’ve had body image problems since 7th grade and my bingeing just began in Sarasota. I most definitely have a food/eating disorder. But is it an outward manifestation of something else? Can I ever get it under control? Is it a disease in and of itself?
I can’t waste my life anymore. I can’t do it! This is horrible, sad, and ridiculous. But…I also can’t move beyond. So again…I eat and wallow in my own self pity.
The only thing I can seem to do right is sleep. Remarkably, I am able to sleep at night and it would seem that I can trust myself while doing so. Actually, I can trust myself as long as I don’t eat. However, as soon as I put that first morsel in my mouth – especially when I feel this shitty – I lose control.
I’m ashamed of where I’m at in my life. I’m embarrassed and sad that I don’t have a family, a home, a career. That absolutely plays into this situation. I thought I was okay with where my journey has taken me but that couldn’t be further from the truth. And to add my physical appearance on top of this impressive lack of “grown-upness”…well, I think it’s just too much.
What set me off? Let’s see…it would seem that over-eating vegetables & salad caused me to gain weight. I was working out, on average, 3 hours a day – HARD for at least 2 hours – and barely eating what I was burning off and still managed to gain. That has NEVER happened! Just 2 months ago, I lost excess weight by running/walking for 2 1/2-3 hours a day and eating less – exactly what I’ve done since being home. Here…I get fatter? It doesn’t make any sense! All I freakin’ needed was to get below 120 lbs and that would have helped my mental state a ton! Instead, the exact opposite took place…I gained…I binge…I feel horribly guilty…I isolate…I freak out…and I am back to where I was a year ago – no fuckin’ progress at all! And I’m another year older and have prevented myself from enjoying a number of things over this past year because of this bull shit! I’m tired of it! I’m tired! I want it to stop!
God help me. God please help me. I’m eating, I’m picking at myself, I’m doing nothing with my life, and I’m miserable! Please help me! I don’t want medication – I can’t afford medication – but do I need it? I just don’t know who or what to trust.
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Good day, friends. Thank you again for all of your support thus far in this endeavor of mine. Things are really shifting into another gear here in the upcoming 6 weeks as I prepare to return to Seattle (for at least a couple of months). I am ready now to begin to present ALL that I am attempting to do with my life in ways that will more clearly speak to certain groups of people. Some things will speak generally to all; others, very specifically to people interested in certain topics/life experiences. All with the intent to: 1) help others heal themselves & 2) inspire others to find this superpower that exists within us all.
The only way to create a peaceful world is to begin individually. I have found peace – true, lasting peace in my soul. And I know I can help others do the same. And when those who know & live peace collaborate and work together…THAT is how world peace is going to be achieved. It is happening around us now but I know that my role is to bring a whole new level of attention from all new groups of people to this “reality”.
Over the course of the next 7 months, I will be speaking, in one way or another, to everyone from young kids to senior citizens, customizing the message however & whenever I need to. I will be growing into this role, without doubt, so I may appear to stumble along the way. However, I do not believe in failure or mistakes. There are only opportunities for growth.
I promise that nothing I ever release to the public, in any form, is done so without a GREAT deal of thought & consideration. For 9 months now, every waking hour of my life has been spent preparing for this moment. I’ve never worked so hard and never for something more fulfilling, more important, or filled with more potential. My hope is to be able to now begin to convey to others, through my examples, of what amazing opportunities truly lie at our feet…right now! All you must do is BELIEVE!
T-minus 6 days until my first professional video shoot. Taking EVERYTHING up a notch (or two). Prepare to hear/see how you may help this effort that soon will be well beyond my little life.
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I have been laboring for months trying to find a way to explain what it is I am “doing”. While I continue to work to define this in such a way that is more comprehensible than at present, I am simultaneously sharing my story. I do have a plan, but I’m fairly certain that it is unlike any plan out there. For weeks, in my very Alyson-way, I’ve thought that if I brought any boundaries to it, the vision would suffer. I can’t help it; there are certain things about me that will never change.
If I feel boxed in – in any way – I look to escape. I see BIG pictures…HUGE! I aim as high as possible because I absolutely always believe that the “best” of something is obtainable. Should you fall short, giving your best effort, you are still kicking ass and more importantly…you gave your BEST effort. It is how I am wired – plain & simple.
Well, it has become clear that I do indeed require some sort of focus, organization, and discipline for all of this newfound energy & love. I have been wrestling with myself over whether or not this would water down the visionary ideas I am trying to live & exemplify. Not surprising at all, given my history of extremes. Believing everything has to be all or nothing. However, If I’ve done one general thing in the past 3 years it is to have matured by leaps & bounds. The resulting wisdom has allowed me glimpses of this foreign thing in my life called, balance. I’ve seen evidence of the extreme value in living a bit less on the edges. While I am nowhere near being completely balanced, (not yet convinced that is possible) I am more aware of where and how I’m not than ever before.
My work and my play lives are becoming one in the same for this upcoming period of my life. Now, more than ever, I need to be as balanced as possible. I can no longer deny the need to have a container for this vision to aid in that balancing effort. I’m close but not yet there. I’ve been ‘not yet there’ for the better part of two months. And just this week, the specific cause of my blocked creativity became evident to me.
I had reached my previous self-expression boundaries. The level of creativity that I desire and need to be able to express my vision right now far surpasses anything I’ve attempted to do up until this point in my life. Earlier this week, I recognized that I had to do something to break through that boundary and that the time for it was now.
It’s all about the energy flow through your body. Efficiency is greatly hindered by these blockages. And I am now more sensitive than ever before to things/people/energy in my life that reveal themselves to be potentially blocking. Red flags go up pretty quickly these days. Although awareness hadn’t been the problem, the ability to identify exactly what I needed to do was new. I was now certain that I was right there…it was right in front of me. I could honestly feel it…the Drano to my blockage. This week was the time to push through. Pushing through essentially means conquering whatever it is that you are afraid of that is preventing you from just moving the damn boundary by doing something new. So, I had to ask to myself…’what is my greatest fear regarding this situation?’
I am an entirely different breed of starving artist. The artist that I would argue is inside each and every one of us, has been dying to be expressed through me. The closest I’ve ever been is via athletics but I haven’t been training seriously for 6 years and that was all for the wrong reasons anyhow. Now, I’ve had glimpses. I get it! All I want to do is creatively express myself. I feel like my true spirit has been in hiding for the better part of 25 years. I want to figure out the most creative way to express it all. So, obviously, I need some time to come into balance in order to focus a bit more. And I think therein lies the solution to my “problem” of the past 2+ months.
An enormous part of my work right now, if not THE essence of what my work is for me personally…I am balancing out. My work is this process. What it has been. What it is. And what it is still to be. And I’ve been incredibly unbalanced for 30 years so believe me…this will be entertaining, educational, enlightening, and energetic, if nothing else. I don’t have anyone to impress. I don’t have anything to lose. I am single. I have no children. I own no real assets. I’ve never had a “career”. I own very little materially. And I carry only the debt I recently chose to incur to serve as an example of what I think we can all be (relative to our own lives) in our world at present. I am not kidding when I say that I feel I owe this to society. I owe this experiment. How can I not share? I’m not afraid any longer of what “they” tell us we need to fear. I will gladly stand tall and show anyone that cares to see it that we ALL can break free! All the ‘what abouts’ are absent from my brain. It is no longer about finding all the reasons why I shouldn’t do something. It is about finding all the reasons why I should & placing all my focus & energy there!
I am applying this historically over-achieving, type A, OCD, look-outside-of-myself-for-validation, personality to a life that is 100% what I make of it every day. I am my own boss. I have created the life of my dreams. I have done it! If I died tomorrow, I would have experienced everything I could have dreamed to have wanted from this life. Well…almost everything. My dreams have always been about others first with my personal desires always coming in at a distant second. That is where the biggest change in my life had to take place when I faced it all head-on three years ago. I had to have me first. I had to care about how I felt above anyone else in my life. I had to take care of myself first and foremost if I was going to be anywhere near the person I was capable of being in this life. And that, my friends, has been no easy journey.
So, the part of my dream to help others…wait until you see THAT part of the story. EVOLT is going to knock your socks off once I can explain it. Soon, seeing it will require no explanation. I haven’t yet given away millions but tens of thousands feels like millions when you value the dollar the way I have my entire life. Unbelievable those pay-it-forward stories will be. But the personal part of my dream…well, that is what I am discovering. I have never, until 2 years ago, put my life first in the “right” ways. I will explain in my books what I mean by that phrase. For now, suffice to say, I feel as if I am only now really discovering who I am and all I am capable of doing and being in this life.
I am going to share my story with anyone that is drawn to it. And the story is going to be told in an extremely unique manner. With words and books? Yes. I will be writing fiction & non-fiction. Public speaking engagements? Absolutely. Hopefully the first one will be in June in Plant City, FL. Showcasing of the talent I’ve scouted & invested in with my work? No doubt. Sharing the beautiful energy of the communities in which I live? You bet.
But here’s the most unique part. I will continue to blog regularly with present-day updates. This will be mixed in with me also singing my story. I will be dancing it too. I will it tell through films I’ve seen, books I’ve read, theater I’ve experienced. I will reference TV programs, youtube videos, news stories, and academic articles. I will paint, take pictures, and prepare food. And…there will be most definitely be music. Music, more than anything else, healed me. I am not sure I’ve ever been more excited than I am for the further discovery of myself through music. Nothing inspires or moves me more.
I am loving and I am living like never before. I have absolutely no idea what will come out of me. I am not embarrassed. I am not scared. I want only to inspire with my vision and with what is in my heart. If there is anyone else out there like me … someone who has been hiding from life for most of their years … someone who is aware of how alive they are on the inside but still terrified to begin to let it come out. Please use my example to just begin to let go somewhere…anywhere! Just let go a little bit and the rest will take care of itself. I promise you. This energy … the energy of love … once it sees a gap, it will take full advantage. You will get a taste of this freedom … of REAL control of yourself … and your entire world will change very quickly. Let your spirits soar…that is why we are here. To love and to have fun!!
Aly(son) – the athlete, the academic, AND the artist!
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