I know what it feels like to be emotionally abandoned as a child due to circumstances beyond control. I know what it feels like to not feel safe and secure in your own home as a child (due to outside city environment of, in this case, Detroit). I know what it feels like to have worry, anxiety, guilt, and fear as the most prevalent emotions in one’s life for the better part of 30 years. I know what it feels like to be a kid that never got to be a kid. I know what divorce of my parents feels like as a child. I know what the remarriage of parents (to one another) feels like as a child. I know what divorce between your same parents feels like for the second time, as an adult. I know what it feels like to be a star student and a star athlete. I know what it feels like to be super popular. I know what it feels like when you then are less popular. I know what it feels like to contemplate suicide.
I know what it feels like when all of your girlfriends begin to get boyfriends but you find you are not in the least bit attracted to boys your own age. I know what it feels like to fall in love for the first time with someone I couldn’t have and to never have had the chance to fully experience that love. I know what it feels like to be a college athlete. I know what it feels like to be an abused college athlete. I know what it feels like to have eating disorders and to hate one’s body for the better part of two decades. I know what it feels like to be married – and to be married when I had no flippin’ idea who I was. I know what it feels like to go through my own divorce.
I know what an overseas living experience, traveling alone and with a friend, feels like. I know what it feels like to accomplish a lot of physical feats – half marathons, half-ironmans, and training that pushed my body to limits I never knew it could go. I know what it feels like to be alone – physically and emotionally. I know what working on a farm entails. I know what it feels like to completely rewire one’s brain – going from underlying, dominant belief patterns of 95% hatred of one’s self to creating new beliefs of 100% love & acceptance of one’s self.
If you have gone through any of the above (and this list is far from exhaustive) I know those feelings! I know those emotions and associated thoughts that you repeat over and over again in your mind. I get it at a level that you only get as a result of going through it. And as someone who has been searching for decades for others outside of me to get it I can tell you the freedom lies in not needing that. However, to get to that point will definitely entail work. I know, from experience, that it is so much easier if you find someone – anyone – to validate the most painful, damaging experiences of your past. You can and will eventually get to the point of validating it for yourself but it can take so much longer. And I think we are here in no small part right now to help one another save a lot of pain by sharing our stories. I know that by sharing my stories I will be providing to others this solace I’ve spent so much of my life seeking. I was reminded on the evening of the 17th yet again how amazing it would feel to get that relief. If I only help one person with each story it is worth it.
I am highly empathetic to others but there are certain experiences I will never know. I will never know what it feels like to be adopted. I will never know what it feels like to lose a parent to death while still a child. I will never know what it feels like to struggle in school academically. I will never know what it is like to have a sister for a sibling instead of brothers. I will most likely never know what it feels like to birth a baby and consequently, that primal connection between a mother and her child. I will never know the depths of darkness associated with particular addictions. And the list can go on forever and ever. But I have had very close relationships with folks that have had many of these experiences, which took my level of understanding up many notches. It isn’t the same as experiencing it and I will never claim to be able to fully understand experiences I’ve never myself had.
Make no mistake about it. I think the desire to be understood perhaps trumps even the desire of love. One is a subset of the other but for many, finding just understanding alone could drastically alter their lives. And the power of reversing that energy from negative to positive is unlike anything you can probably yet imagine. Honestly…the power & energy that results from living out of love vs. fear is the power that creates new worlds. Let’s create a New Earth!
Thanks for reading!
Dedicated to all my past experiences for providing me the vast, range of emotional life experiences. If not for all of it, I would not be so perfectly qualified for the job at hand. I am nothing but grateful for every single experience. Appreciation & gratitude – the keys to freeing yourself from the prisons of the pain.
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