From Alyson’s Journal
September 30, 2010
So I’m rockin’ an incredible combination of highs right now: 1) On Day #2 of Master Cleanse – I feel awesome! 2) I had an awesome energy drink. 3) I found a brand new favorite song. 4) I exercised for 3 hours. 5) I went into the steam room. 6) I’m presently at the bookstore. 7) I’m about to go see “The Town” & “The American” and 8) I’m about to have a sweet coffee drink for my only calories of the day!
Any one of these alone could arguably make for an awesome few hours! And I have 8! Holy shit – I feel absolutely incredible! Oh I forgot – 9) I meditated this morning to awesome celtic meditation music and truly felt my body! I’m tuned into myself today and I feel very, very good!
So…let me focus on this – THIS is what I need to be spending my time on during this ‘break’. I need to teach myself how to treat myself well and be exactly who I am without apology or reserve! In other words, live my authentic life as 100% me and learn how to treat THAT Alyson kindly and with love.
And the sheer fact is that this will be difficult for me. This is absolutely foreign to me – how to love & accept myself. Damn it – I’m taking this time to fill myself up with lessons to myself in this area. I will make progress through journaling, meditating, art in paintings, my quilt, through music, and through honest interactions with friends & family!
How do I lose myself off the track described above? The track I’m on right now? How come I can’t remember all of these things and feel these feelings every day? Why does it only last like 2 days? Because…I’m not trained in how to hold onto it & build a reserve inside of me from which I may borrow on the more difficult days.
This is my first lesson…tomorrow will be Day 2 – 2 1/2 of ‘amazing’ feelings & thoughts…If I complete the whole day feeling that good, I will have surpassed my previous longest consecutive time of feeling “good”. I’m conscious of everything right now. I need to watch for “the Voice” and catch it right before it gets me off track. Whenever I feel guilty about not working and not being “productive” is when I’m susceptible to getting off track! I’m totally vulnerable and the Voice has no battle! The Voice begins to tell me my “break” is wrong, that I don’t deserve it, etc. and then I start to believe it and get into all my bad habits.
Well, today I’m focused on paying attention to the Voice and I will outflank him/her in this particular battle. It’s okay if I only meditate, go to the gym, go to the sauna and listen to music & do art in a day. THAT is VERY productive for me right now and NECESSARY!!!! Don’t worry about mom or to-do list or finding a job – only do what you love and what makes you feel good!
July 3, 2013
Given the personal, world-changing-for-me, conversation I had with my friend & life coach about 28 hours ago, the fact that this was the next journal entry I had marked to re-type is not at all surprising.
The Voice…your personal curse…can be very sneaky. Even when you think it is gone, it may still be lingering. If the Voice is indeed doing this…attempting to hijack your new story…AND you also happen to believe it to be gone…there is almost NO way you will be able to see it for yourself. But it takes two very “real” individuals to be able to both deliver & receive the message of pointing this out.
How much could be at stake? In my case…my entire dream…which, also happens to be my entire life! Thank you, Universe, for allowing me to receive Sadee’s observation and immediately recognize it to be exactly what I was ‘feeling’ but couldn’t identify nor see for myself. Thank you for enough dissolution of my ego allowing me room to depersonalize the message in order to be able to receive it & immediately adjust my awareness. Such incredible beauty!
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Alyson talks about two themes, in particular, that are going to run through her stories in the upcoming weeks and months – basketball and females. More specifically…what it means to be a strong, ‘feminine’ woman as opposed to a strong, ‘masculine’ woman.
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Alyson tells the story (an ‘Alyson story’) of Canton vs. Ladywood – District Championship Game. Friday, November 19, 1993 – 7pm – Northville HIgh School gymnasium. Greatest athletic memory of my entire life achieved with one of the most powerful, amazing, beautiful groups of people with whom I’ve had the pleasure of sharing my life.
Words alone could never…EVER…be enough to explain how much I LOVED every minute with you all. Quite literally…you saved my life. Without Canton High School basketball and all the people that were in my life as a result of that program, there is a good chance I would not be here today.
I never could have actually hurt myself…I don’t think…but I got very, very close a number of times in late high school. It was always someone or something pertaining to this family – my basketball family – that kept me from following through with very scary thoughts.
After all of these years, very few memories have come even remotely close to the ones I have of us and ALL the love we shared! Thank you so very, very much for being an ENORMOUS example of the greatest power of all – unconditional love. I was lost after leaving high school without that love in my world. It took me 16 years to do it but I found it! I found my way back. I found my way back to love and now…now…I can do what it is I am meant to do in this life. You all are a HUGE part of me! I love you very, very much!
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