[ Click here for Finances & Economic Value – Part 2 ]
Holy crap! My webmaster/amazing friend will be the only one able to attest to this…actually, she is going to be the only one able to affirm about a million crazy things from this adventure of mine…but I did not feel good about yesterday’s post. Strangely, I felt awesome as I finished it and for the following hour after posting it. Then, a new perception walloped me! All of a sudden I had a feeling of no confidence in what I had written. This didn’t make any sense to me – something was off. No way I could be THAT confident & pleased with what I had written and then shift to such an opposite extreme so quickly. I texted my friend & expressed these thoughts.
She asked if I was basing this feeling on the fact that thus far, there had been very little traffic. I texted back the honest truth…no…I truly felt like it was more than that…different. It ate at me all night. I couldn’t shake it so I went to my bedroom early & tried to pick a book to read. After beginning 2 others, I settled on my 3rd choice of the night –“The Power of Passion – Achieve Your Own Everests”. I only read about 35 pages before falling asleep. However, having the words of this particular book, with its talk of chasing wild dreams, as the final things in my brain before falling asleep seems to have absolutely cleared the clouds.
As I sat down to begin the writing of today’s post I knew I had to read yesterday’s in preparation. My own hesitancy to re-read it was not exactly the feeling I wanted to have this morning. But, as I opened my computer, I still felt it. Crap. Well, I had to re-read the damn thing in order to continue with Part 3 so I only hesitated for seconds and began. When I finished it a few minutes later…everything shifted and became clear. I still kinda can’t believe it! Wow!
After re-reading, it was so obvious to me. It still got me & thus my writing yesterday. I wasn’t yet able to consciously evade it – that feeling – that tone of competition. It got me again, damn it! That energy of separateness, groupings and categories of people – “us” vs. “them”. It is truly unbelievable how prevalent and how powerful this is in our society & thus in our individual psyches. Competition. We turn everything into a competition, which inherently has sides. Couple this with the underlying assumption of limited resources & you see why our present world is operating as it is. Shit! No wonder I had that disgusting gut feeling all night. This is the exact tone I never want to use, have, imply, or convey – EVER!
My blog entry created a perception of sides – of competition. But not reflecting my new beliefs about competition, which have changed dramatically from what I held for the first 35 years of my life. I don’t want to expand on those changes today. Suffice to say, I no longer believe in competition as we see it played out in our world at present. At least that is my goal via having & acting on a more complete, powerful, new belief in cooperation. I thought I was there. I thought I had trained myself enough in the past 19 months. Working through all of my old story belief patterns, to get to the point where this tone of competition could never again come through unconsciously. Yesterday’s post, however, proves to me beyond doubt that I am not yet there. At least part of my response to the topic of finances & economics was automatic with the negative energy of competition.
You see, all of our actions & words are based on thoughts and our thoughts are based on our belief patterns. A great number of these belief patterns are automatic – deeply ingrained and/or practiced a great deal via mental messages we repeat to ourselves over and over and over again. And the belief patterns that most define us will hang on for dear life if you make the decision that it is a belief that is no longer serving you well. My old story belief patterns surrounding finances, economics, AND competition (along with many others), I decided were big reasons I was not leading a very happy life. These three, therefore, are all hanging on very tightly for their continued existence in my world. And seeing as my ENTIRE identity was wrapped up in some form of competition until only 2 years ago, it shouldn’t be at all surprising that this guy is still hanging out in my psyche despite my desire for his complete demise.
My hanging-on, old belief patterns surrounding money, wealth, employment, corporations, value, competition – they were all triggered yesterday! The only way to do what it is I am trying to do with these beliefs – which is to completely eliminate their old, damaging, limiting, ugly patterns from my life – is to begin by seeing & acknowledging what is right in front of me. But you only see what is right there when you are ready to be 100% honest and willing to see your own role in your reality.
If this is still coming out of me…this attitude that definitely has reared its head in both financial posts, it is most certainly happening for a reason. And when I reflect on some of the interactions I had with certain people back in Seattle and certain communications since…I have to admit the obvious…I am absolutely still operating with at least some minimal belief in my old story’s view of all of these topics. I am unconsciously putting out some of those vibes and therefore, attracting them right back into my world.
It makes me feel like garbage because the attitude from my old story isn’t one of which I am proud. It is angry. It is judgmental. It blames. It labels. It generalizes. It does nothing but limit my potential in this life. This energy dominated me for decades and now that I’ve been away from it for the better part of 2 years, when it comes back, I literally feel it. The energy I’ve managed to re-ignite in myself is packed with an extra punch too for the ugliest part of my past is back as well. The beliefs’ leader. Their hero…my old story ego.
Often we associate superiority and pride with the word ego. Ego, however, is way more than this. It is identification with our body and mind. In my old story, I was 100%, entirely ego-centered – again, an enormous reason I was miserable. I will forever attribute my ability to understand & thus move beyond my ego (save for days like this, which are still happening more often than I desire), to Eckhart Tolle. Of all the spiritual teachers I’ve read thus far, in my opinion, he does the best job explaining ego. This is just a taste of his work – http://minso.hubpages.com/hub/eckhart-tolle-ego.
So, in addition to triggering many old, limiting belief patterns, I discovered my post yesterday also activated my old story habit of possessing extreme identification with my ego. Great! The ego, which does NOTHING but hold me back from my potential, is also still alive & kickin’ inside. Again, not so much in the traditional ways we view ego. The old story is one of very, very low self-worth so this is not an arrogance, better-than-thou energy that has been tripped. It is the chip-on-my-shoulder, angry comparison portion of ego that has been awoken. I couldn’t escape this jerk to save my life – quite literally, in fact, until 2 years ago. No way I am giving any of this energy an opportunity to gain momentum. This isn’t getting buried. I cannot proceed until I face this now admitted, honest realization of the presence of these negative emotions.
To be continued (very shortly)
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