For most of my life, I felt something was missing. A big something. A sense of greater knowing. A feeling of true belonging. An understanding of what it is I was here to do or be. Up until 2 1/2 years ago, I believed the answer was to be found outside of me. After all, everything in my world had conditioned me to buy into this myth. And while there was a bit of romance in the seeking, for the most part it was isolating, lonely, upsetting, and confusing. That is, until my seeking led me to the only place where any of us can find the answers to whatever the questions may be…within.
I don’t have all the answers. Not even close. There will forever and always be WAY more that I don’t know than I do know. I don’t proclaim to have found the one, “right” path. There is no such thing. All of our paths are “right”. Each and every one of them. And I am not on anyone’s side. What I have found to resonate as Truth for me falls under no single category or label. I am constantly adjusting my beliefs in light of new information and as a result of new experiences. Who I am expands & changes, quite literally, on a weekly, sometimes daily, basis. For all of these reasons and more I believe there is great value in my story. Why? Because it is super honest & genuine and always has been. Because it is a story (comprised of thousands of other stories) of massive variety and of extremities. And…because it is a story about love. Finding my way back to love.
Not by choice, but instead due mostly to personality, I have lived a life of complete extremes. All or nothing (and usually, it is ‘all’) in almost every area all the time – thinking, eating, exercise, communication, love, work, and play. Completely out of balance for the better part of 30 years with no awareness and certainly no understanding of why I was doing this to myself. At least, not until I stopped and gave myself the time and space to try to see & understand why I had become the person that I was at 34 1/2 years old. I made this decision not as part of some brilliant, organized, master plan but instead, out of desperation. I was desperate to change what had become my exhausting, mostly unhappy, story. And I was determined to do so before I relocated to Seattle two years ago.
I knew I was in search of something but I didn’t know what. And how in the hell could I know when I reached “it” if I couldn’t identify what “it” was? What I did know, for a personal fact, was that chasing some new achievement to bring me fulfillment and/or answers was no longer desirable. In fact, it never had been. Not at all. I realized it not only had to be a new approach, but it had to be radically new. In my life in 2010, I couldn’t have done anything more radical than what I did. I stopped working – completely. I decided to live off of & was prepared to deplete my savings. And…I consciously choose to go home to Michigan to live for the first time since age 18. It was time to stop running and face all that my life had become…head on.
I wasn’t setting out on a mission to blame anyone. I wasn’t seeking revenge. I wasn’t looking to be rescued. All I wanted was an understanding of who I was and why I was that way. How could I change if I wasn’t fully clear on what was driving my present day behaviors and decisions? How could I alter habits if I wasn’t even aware of them or how they were limiting me and continuing to damage me? My intent was only to heal myself in order to be the best person I was capable of being. Because I knew I was falling way short of that person and had been for far too long. Enough was enough.
Believe me when I tell you that this is a story of taking FULL responsibility for one’s own life. I didn’t know I had the power to change my own story. Without being aware of doing so, I had given away to everyone else the responsibility for my happiness. The silliest, most foolish thing in the world to do. But in our world and in the present paradigm, we have all been conditioned to do this in every area of our lives, so it’s an easy mistake to make. Now that I held the knowledge, however, that I indeed create my own reality, there was no way I could go on living at all in the same manner in which I had been.
I had taken control back of my own life but only with my perspective on everything having changed. As such, my entire life changed…dramatically. And it hasn’t stopped. I’ve experienced more change in the past 2 years than all the change combined together from my previous 15 years of life. But there is a new constant in the equation of my life. Now, there is only one person I hold responsible for my happiness and contentment in life…me. We are the only ones that create the happiness we desire in our lives. Nothing has been more challenging than to accept this universal fact & come face-to-face with all of my old, negative, life-limiting habits & belief patterns that were blocking my path to this highly sought after, elusive-for-most-of-my-life, prolonged happiness. I haven’t known more beauty or richness in life than I’ve experienced these past two years. I also haven’t known more pain.
Taking care of myself first – looking out for my emotions first ahead of everyone else’s – this was something brand new for me. Brand new. I had most definitely found what I was looking for – no doubt it. But I didn’t know what came next. Of course I didn’t know what came next!! I’ve never before made it this far! I can honestly say that I never even imagined what life would look like once I was no longer seeking. I didn’t believe life could ever be like it is for me today – EVER! Which is a BIG part of the reason it never happened. You gotta believe. And once I did, almost overnight (because I was so ready for the answer), the seeking stopped.
So what was next? What comes after you find what you are searching for? What happens when you have (for yourself) the answer to life’s biggest question, of “Why are you here”? It’s simple…you just live. Well…it’s getting to the point of being simple. En route to simple has been a part of the story for which there was no way to prepare. None. But I’ve broken free. Last test passed. I let go of the railing. I’ve untied my boat from the dock. I am completely out there … just living … with 100% trust in myself and the intuition that has guided me to unprecedented love & happiness in the past 2 1/2 years. It is terrifying!
It is also the most exhilarating, magnificent time of my life! For those interested, I cannot wait to share the journey. Because even better than living this myself is watching others awaken to the same possibilities for their own lives. I’m a teacher to my core. NOTHING makes me happier than seeing the light go on inside someone. Believe me…this is a light you are going to want to have turned on within you.
To be continued…
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