During his morning commute, one May morning, James and his Inner Voice engaged in an intense dialogue inside his mind. Of late, this successful, 40-something, business executive had not been atop his game…not ANY part of it. He was extremely frustrated and getting pretty pissed off.
“I want to really connect with someone…anyone…but especially with a woman. I am dying for a woman to REALLY know me and love me to my core – a real, genuine, deep connection. But fuck…I’m not so sure I’m truly worthy of such a connection with a woman. And even if so, any woman interested in me must only be interested in my status, my money, or my possessions, right?
Shit! Who WOULD I be without all of this crap? Without all the labels? Without the money? Without all these outward validations of my worth?
Fuck! I have no idea! I would fuckin’ flip out! That scares the shit out of me! How do I deal with that?
Just keep achieving. Keep working. Keep moving. Keep busy. And quickly find another woman to try to fill a void that I know at some level can never, EVER be filled by anyone but me. Damn it! How can I fill the void if I don’t really know who the fuck I am? I truly don’t think I know.
It’s because I never felt like I was young. I was dedicated. I was focused. I sacrificed. And, as a result, I’ve achieved all of ‘this’. Yet, somehow, I still don’t feel as if I’ve truly lived. I just want to be young again. Can I take a break? Can I learn to feel like I have something in my life outside of my work and my kids that has meaning to me?
My soul is so damned lonely. I want someone with whom I feel safe enough to discover new parts of me. I want to lose my inhibitions and let loose for once. I want to feel excited and inspired again. I don’t want to be concerned anymore with keeping up some image. I am so tired of perceptions of others dictating my entire life.
Damn it!
I just want to be happy and to have someone with whom to share that happiness. Is that so much to fuckin’ ask? Where do I go for that? What do I do? How can I learn to get THAT?”
The Higher Energy’s (another character in the novel) advice to James: Reach out to a new friend & trust your gut.
How long will James wait to act on his true interest in this new ‘friend’? How much longer can he wait? For the power of what is calling him is unlike anything he recognizes. He can’t seem to name it. Shit. He can barely describe it. But he most definitely feels it. In fact, he no longer can deny that ‘it’ is the strongest, deepest thing he has ever felt.
Designed by Elegant Themes | Powered by Wordpress