I have been laboring for months trying to find a way to explain what it is I am “doing”. While I continue to work to define this in such a way that is more comprehensible than at present, I am simultaneously sharing my story. I do have a plan, but I’m fairly certain that it is unlike any plan out there. For weeks, in my very Alyson-way, I’ve thought that if I brought any boundaries to it, the vision would suffer. I can’t help it; there are certain things about me that will never change.
If I feel boxed in – in any way – I look to escape. I see BIG pictures…HUGE! I aim as high as possible because I absolutely always believe that the “best” of something is obtainable. Should you fall short, giving your best effort, you are still kicking ass and more importantly…you gave your BEST effort. It is how I am wired – plain & simple.
Well, it has become clear that I do indeed require some sort of focus, organization, and discipline for all of this newfound energy & love. I have been wrestling with myself over whether or not this would water down the visionary ideas I am trying to live & exemplify. Not surprising at all, given my history of extremes. Believing everything has to be all or nothing. However, If I’ve done one general thing in the past 3 years it is to have matured by leaps & bounds. The resulting wisdom has allowed me glimpses of this foreign thing in my life called, balance. I’ve seen evidence of the extreme value in living a bit less on the edges. While I am nowhere near being completely balanced, (not yet convinced that is possible) I am more aware of where and how I’m not than ever before.
My work and my play lives are becoming one in the same for this upcoming period of my life. Now, more than ever, I need to be as balanced as possible. I can no longer deny the need to have a container for this vision to aid in that balancing effort. I’m close but not yet there. I’ve been ‘not yet there’ for the better part of two months. And just this week, the specific cause of my blocked creativity became evident to me.
I had reached my previous self-expression boundaries. The level of creativity that I desire and need to be able to express my vision right now far surpasses anything I’ve attempted to do up until this point in my life. Earlier this week, I recognized that I had to do something to break through that boundary and that the time for it was now.
It’s all about the energy flow through your body. Efficiency is greatly hindered by these blockages. And I am now more sensitive than ever before to things/people/energy in my life that reveal themselves to be potentially blocking. Red flags go up pretty quickly these days. Although awareness hadn’t been the problem, the ability to identify exactly what I needed to do was new. I was now certain that I was right there…it was right in front of me. I could honestly feel it…the Drano to my blockage. This week was the time to push through. Pushing through essentially means conquering whatever it is that you are afraid of that is preventing you from just moving the damn boundary by doing something new. So, I had to ask to myself…’what is my greatest fear regarding this situation?’
I am an entirely different breed of starving artist. The artist that I would argue is inside each and every one of us, has been dying to be expressed through me. The closest I’ve ever been is via athletics but I haven’t been training seriously for 6 years and that was all for the wrong reasons anyhow. Now, I’ve had glimpses. I get it! All I want to do is creatively express myself. I feel like my true spirit has been in hiding for the better part of 25 years. I want to figure out the most creative way to express it all. So, obviously, I need some time to come into balance in order to focus a bit more. And I think therein lies the solution to my “problem” of the past 2+ months.
An enormous part of my work right now, if not THE essence of what my work is for me personally…I am balancing out. My work is this process. What it has been. What it is. And what it is still to be. And I’ve been incredibly unbalanced for 30 years so believe me…this will be entertaining, educational, enlightening, and energetic, if nothing else. I don’t have anyone to impress. I don’t have anything to lose. I am single. I have no children. I own no real assets. I’ve never had a “career”. I own very little materially. And I carry only the debt I recently chose to incur to serve as an example of what I think we can all be (relative to our own lives) in our world at present. I am not kidding when I say that I feel I owe this to society. I owe this experiment. How can I not share? I’m not afraid any longer of what “they” tell us we need to fear. I will gladly stand tall and show anyone that cares to see it that we ALL can break free! All the ‘what abouts’ are absent from my brain. It is no longer about finding all the reasons why I shouldn’t do something. It is about finding all the reasons why I should & placing all my focus & energy there!
I am applying this historically over-achieving, type A, OCD, look-outside-of-myself-for-validation, personality to a life that is 100% what I make of it every day. I am my own boss. I have created the life of my dreams. I have done it! If I died tomorrow, I would have experienced everything I could have dreamed to have wanted from this life. Well…almost everything. My dreams have always been about others first with my personal desires always coming in at a distant second. That is where the biggest change in my life had to take place when I faced it all head-on three years ago. I had to have me first. I had to care about how I felt above anyone else in my life. I had to take care of myself first and foremost if I was going to be anywhere near the person I was capable of being in this life. And that, my friends, has been no easy journey.
So, the part of my dream to help others…wait until you see THAT part of the story. EVOLT is going to knock your socks off once I can explain it. Soon, seeing it will require no explanation. I haven’t yet given away millions but tens of thousands feels like millions when you value the dollar the way I have my entire life. Unbelievable those pay-it-forward stories will be. But the personal part of my dream…well, that is what I am discovering. I have never, until 2 years ago, put my life first in the “right” ways. I will explain in my books what I mean by that phrase. For now, suffice to say, I feel as if I am only now really discovering who I am and all I am capable of doing and being in this life.
I am going to share my story with anyone that is drawn to it. And the story is going to be told in an extremely unique manner. With words and books? Yes. I will be writing fiction & non-fiction. Public speaking engagements? Absolutely. Hopefully the first one will be in June in Plant City, FL. Showcasing of the talent I’ve scouted & invested in with my work? No doubt. Sharing the beautiful energy of the communities in which I live? You bet.
But here’s the most unique part. I will continue to blog regularly with present-day updates. This will be mixed in with me also singing my story. I will be dancing it too. I will it tell through films I’ve seen, books I’ve read, theater I’ve experienced. I will reference TV programs, youtube videos, news stories, and academic articles. I will paint, take pictures, and prepare food. And…there will be most definitely be music. Music, more than anything else, healed me. I am not sure I’ve ever been more excited than I am for the further discovery of myself through music. Nothing inspires or moves me more.
I am loving and I am living like never before. I have absolutely no idea what will come out of me. I am not embarrassed. I am not scared. I want only to inspire with my vision and with what is in my heart. If there is anyone else out there like me … someone who has been hiding from life for most of their years … someone who is aware of how alive they are on the inside but still terrified to begin to let it come out. Please use my example to just begin to let go somewhere…anywhere! Just let go a little bit and the rest will take care of itself. I promise you. This energy … the energy of love … once it sees a gap, it will take full advantage. You will get a taste of this freedom … of REAL control of yourself … and your entire world will change very quickly. Let your spirits soar…that is why we are here. To love and to have fun!!
Aly(son) – the athlete, the academic, AND the artist!
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