Shortly after this song was released in 2007, I dated this great guy on-and-off for about 7 months. For so many reasons, I will never forget our time together, including the fact that he let me borrow this CD after our 2nd date. To this day, every time I hear this song, I am reminded of him. This 6’5”, former college baseball player, recruited by the Yankees out of high school, approached me on a Saturday evening at the park where I used to do my triathlon training. I was done working out and it was a beautiful, early December, Florida day, so I had brought my kids’ exams to grade afterwards. There I was sitting at the picnic table grading and I took notice of this extremely good looking guy with incredible calf muscles (personal weakness) finishing up a mountain bike ride. He was making a phone call while sitting at the table about 30 feet from me. After hanging up, he calls over to me and inquires…”Are you grading papers?” He had my complete attention immediately.
The purpose for our paths crossing was made apparent in our first phone conversation the next evening. We spoke the entire time about the movie, “Into The Wild”, Sean Penn’s film based on the Jon Krakauer book of the same title. If you’re not familiar, it is the true story of a bright, young, college graduate who is completely disillusioned with the world. After commencement, he sells all of his belongings, gives away to charity his $24,000 in his savings account, and hitchhikes to Alaska to live off of the land.
Everything surrounding this film is beautifully intense & real, including the fact that it took Sean Penn 10 years working with the family to get the rights to make it. The soundtrack, completely original music by Pearl Jam’s Eddie Vedder, is, in my opinion, one of the most perfectly-suited-for-the-movie soundtracks ever done. Story has it that Vedder agreed to the project without knowing anything about it simply because it was Sean Penn asking. This film had obviously affected both of us profoundly and we were eager to discuss anything & everything about it with one another.
He and I both identified very strongly with the main character, despite the fact that we were a decade older than he was when awakening to the “realities” of the world. We were both within months away of making HUGE adjustments in our lives. Essentially, we were both preparing to leave the mainstream world at the same time and struggling with all of the pressures of making that decision. Both of us were sure we couldn’t play the game any longer, yet, of course, we had very little support from our family & friends to be taking the perceived “risks” we were taking. We both felt pretty confident that we were making the right decisions for our respective lives, yet neither one of us had the ability to validate what we felt for ourselves. We were both looking for someone else to make us feel like it was okay to do what we were doing. I am absolutely convinced that was the higher purpose for our meeting.
The most interesting discovery that he and I came to early on was the role our athletic backgrounds played in how our adult lives had turned out thus far. This part of the story will be told later. For the time being, suffice to say, that Division I athletics…no matter where you play…is very much a business. The purity of what we both had experienced in our high school programs was destroyed at the collegiate level. And it was no understatement to say that we discovered both of our experiences were tragic and quite damaging for each of us as young adults. It was a second, very powerful area of validation for us both. We were helping one another heal from some pretty intense, emotional issues resulting from life experiences not shared by many out in the population. This made our connection so much more valuable and relieving in many ways.
The apprehension that we both had for our near futures made it quite difficult to sync as any sort of couple, but we accepted our relationship as it played out. And it ended up as one of the most beautiful dating experiences of my life. We touch base once or twice a year and remind one another how perfect our time together was for each of us. Truly incredible to be able to experience a life-cycle, if you will, of a relationship where you choose to focus on the positive and not at all on why it didn’t work out. This was the most honest, real relationship I had ever had and interestingly, it was the easiest and richest experience. A definite indicator of my future.
An interesting note…this guy left the corporate world to become the head coach of a Division I baseball program. Awesome indeed!
The actual singing of “Bubbly” is dedicated to…
…the organization within Microsoft, in which I was employed for my first year in Seattle. You are some of the most incredible, talented, generous, kind-hearted, brilliant people I’ve ever met. I’ve never worked anywhere else where it was so evident that a high percentage of the employees truly enjoyed their work. The family feeling was genuine and very powerful. Before I arrived, I was told this organization was unique. However, I wasn’t prepared for how amazing & overwhelmingly positive the experience would be for me.
Your work environment came closer to “ideal” than anything else I’d ever been exposed to, including other corporate, non-profit, agricultural, and educational environments. Given that my most recent mainstream work prior to arriving had been as a middle-school teacher, I was particularly interested in the contrast of environments between this pinnacle of the corporate world & what I felt should have been one of the most inspiring places to work – our schools. I also knew I was on the fast track to pursuing my own personal entrepreneurial visions. As such, I was keenly aware of the significant learning opportunities surrounding me at this stop on my journey.
I observed everything. I took in every aspect of my experience every day. I had never, up until that point in my life, been so happy or lived so much in my present. It was brilliant. The perfect first year in one of the greatest cities in our country. Living had never been so intensely real. I had never been surrounded, on a daily basis, by so many other heady, intellectual types. That energy drives me, energizes me, and motivates me like nothing else. Despite the difference in the end goals of what I was pursuing and the corporate world, the energies required to achieve at high levels are all the same. There is no doubt about the role of these extremely high-achieving energies of you all. In no small way, you all fueled me. In fact, I am still running on your fuel 8 1/2 months later. Singing? I’ve never sung anywhere but in my own company. This is only my third, completely unprofessional, taping of singing EVER! And I’ve never felt more alive. This is truly just the beginning of creative expression I’ve been longing for for decades.
I still won’t be able to describe with words what it is I have been doing since leaving you all but rest assured…I couldn’t be doing any of it to this degree without having my time there in ECIT. Soon, what it is I am trying to exemplify with my life will be much clearer. For now, please accept my sincerest gratitude. This is just the initial stages of me discovering all I am capable of doing and being in this world. And right now, that means sharing, in every way possible, all of this love in my heart. I think of my time there, and many of you, and feel nothing but happiness & immense appreciation. My dream, since I was 6 years old, has been to change the world. And I’m doing it! I am absolutely doing it and whether or not I see any of you ever again, you will all forever be an amazing, beautiful part of my story. Thank you from the depths of my soul. I do hope to see many of you again … soon.
Thank you: Armando, Beau, Mechelle, Eric, Tapan, Tim, Peter, Charan, Tony P., Loc, Manoj, Todd, Carlos, David R, Ashok, Mike N, Martin, Brian, Ryan, Mauricio, Jateen, Anne, Bryn, Jessica, Nancy, Mike, Henry, Ned, Mark, Heidi (sorry for misspelling) Angie, Tony U., Dan, Kristy, Jim, Morgan, Justin, Ciara, Sarah, Keith, Jason, Michelle H, Erik, Scott Br.,Vic, Patrick, Kevin, Janice, Tom K, Tom L, Chris, Sue, David M, and Kathy. A special thank you to: Scott Ba., Renu, Bryan, James, Michael, Nav, Hanu, Gopi, Jesse, Melissa, Julie, Pauline, Robyn, Duke, Manuel, and Gunnar, and Sam R. An extra special thank you to: Rutu, Shae, Evana, Carey, Bill and Linda. And the biggest thanks: B.J., Ashley, Christine, Stacy, Sam S. and Sal. Sal, if not for you, none of this would have happened. You & your team will forever hold a special place in my heart. Thank you so very, very much! (Please forgive me for anyone I missed. So many more faces without any more names coming to my mind.)
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I didn’t begin to have true appreciation and love for the power of music until I began seeing performing arts shows regularly in Tampa. This was one thing my ex-husband and I loved to do together. We had season tickets to Tampa’s impressive Performing Arts Center for 7 years. I saw EVERY show that came to town for 7 years and fell in love with all of it! I had always been drawn to films, but the live nature of the shows blew me away. It was then, 1997, that I began dreaming of being able to do anything like that … to any degree.
One of the things I feel so privileged to have been a part of is the watching of my youngest brother become a more confident, talented musician in the early 2000s. He had taken the better part of a year and dedicated it to his musical development and anyone paying attention could see, hear, and feel how gifted he was. At the time, my husband operated the IMAX theater and associated lounging area at the local science museum in Tampa. This was a perfect opportunity for Drew to come up from Sarasota and perform. It was new & small, but every week, there were at least a half dozen people present. They were there to socialize with one another more so than to hear the live music, but it didn’t matter. He was doing it. He was singing and playing songs in public that he composed and wrote. And they were good. Really good. I was in the audience every week – the proudest older sister EVER!
I don’t know the first thing about singing. I do know that I have lived a great deal of my life vicariously through films, TV programs, books, and the lyrics of songs. Pathetic as that may sound, it is the truth. Without being aware of the fact that I did so, I shut my heart out to the connection I desired most after experiencing the worst heartache of my life at 19 years old. So, I sang my ass off to a ton of songs that expressed all that I was feeling at any given time in my life.
In my head, certain songs and scenes from films allowed me to have all of my dream interactions with those closest to me in my life. It was the only way I could truly & fully communicate, it seemed, with others. Because in “real” life, my honesty, my depth, my intensity… it always… ALWAYS hit one boundary or another in all of my relationships. The only way I knew how to be in the world – passionate to my core, endlessly curious, enthusiastic, idealistic, and intense – ended up, at some point, to be too much for everyone. Quite often, this lack of this immensely desired connection with someone else – ANYONE else – who wanted to live in the world like I did…it became too much for me. The only way I could cope with the loneliness, for years far beyond high school, was through media, such as films and music.
When I saw movies or heard songs that expressed exactly what I was feeling or depicted an experience very similar to what I was having, I felt those emotions to my core. I put myself in films in the role of the characters that most depicted me. I put myself in the voices singing lyrics that expressed living intensely. I didn’t experience, save for my athletics, a world where people were living with the same intensity as me and that killed my spirit. I wasn’t exactly aware that this was going on. I only knew that in a world where I regularly felt completely isolated, I felt better when I could identify with some form of creative expression and mimic it. I was profoundly affected by the arts, in this very mainstream manner. Without feeling less alone through identification with all of these “fictitious” experiences, I would not have survived my adolescence. The number of times I sang this song could serve as proof.
In 1994, when “Stay” was on the radio, in my mind, I was singing it to one person and one person only. Practically every lyric rang true. I was leaving Michigan for Florida and at some level I knew I would never be back. I was also leaving the only person in my life at the time that I longed to make proud. He was my inspiration to be the best person possible and as such, meant the world to me. Staying wasn’t an option but I wasn’t sure if I could stand on my own. I never could have guessed that it would have taken me 18 1/2 years to do just that. But I’m here. Thank you to Lisa Loeb for writing the perfect song to express such a monumental part of my story. I’ve loved singing it for now, almost 20 years.
And…to the person to whom I sang this song in my mind all those years ago…you will always be my first true inspiration. Just by being you, you made me strive to be the best I could be. Thank you for the example that has remained at the center of my heart for over 20 years. Finally, I see the miracle of what we shared instead of all the pain of what we felt we couldn’t share. The miracle is simple … just love … unconditional love.
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This is the first time I’ve ever consciously taped myself singing. This recording, made last week, is completely unprofessional. I did a single take, as you will notice by the two, very clear lyrical mistakes I make. I used only my little hand-held tape recorder with the song playing through my speaker system in the background. Basically, my own little karaoke set-up.
It’s only been in the past two months that I’ve really begun to see what musical capabilities I possess. Right now I know that I LOVE to sing this song. It was even better when all the lyrics rang more true than they do today. I couldn’t have written a better theme song for my life when I finally came to my breaking point, 3 years ago.
Music has changed my world. I say to everyone, just sing! Let yourself sing! It isn’t that hard…listen here to me doing it. One year ago I never in my wildest dreams could have possibly guessed that it would EVER happen that I would be doing something like this! I don’t care how cheesy this appears. I don’t care how good or bad I sound. I am sharing because I’ve come alive through singing & dancing! I can’t NOT do it! And if I can do this, with not a single singing lesson EVER, than so can YOU!!!
Turn off the TV and start listening to music again. And just sing!
“Way Back Into Love” – Alyson’s life – July, 2010
Contributing Factors to Song Selection:
1) Drew Barrymore is bad ass!
2) I find Hugh Grant to be completely adorable. He stars in MANY of my favorite romantic comedies, including the film from which this song comes, Music & Lyrics.
3) The lyrics couldn’t be more perfect (both the male AND female portions) to describe where my life was in July, 2010 when I finally decided to change everything. And yes…I sing both parts because all of it applied and who the hell else was going to sing with me?!
4) It happens to be a song that has ranges I am able to “sing”.
5) I never tire of singing it! And I can’t imagine how beautiful the experience will be to someday sing with a partner. I envision that aspect, in particular, when I sing it now, rather than focusing on the lyrics as I did in the past. In this manner, I believe I am helping to create that reality of my future. And even if it never happens, my mind doesn’t know the difference. I sing it as if I’m on stage in front of millions. In “reality”, I’m just in my living room. It is the most freeing thing ever to let go & sing. Sing as if both no one & everyone can hear you I’m not at all embarrassed to show you how easy it is. And what I’m hoping to prove is that with practice AND the intense desire, I will get better. If I continue to want to sing as much as I want to sing now, there is no doubt my voice is only going to get better. I’m my own experiment.
This is dedicated to Jeff, Jon, Rob, Norinda, & the woman sitting next to me on the last day of the Krishna Das retreat weekend this past March in Orlando. These are five people who all, in very minor ways, indicated that I wasn’t too horrible with my singing. They gave me just enough validation to allow me to push through any fears I may have had lingering from my old story preventing me from doing this extremely freeing thing. Thank you to all of you. Singing moves me unlike anything from my previous life and I think there may be talent to allow to come through. But I’ve never known anything scarier thus far in my life than to put my thoughts, and now, my voice out into the public – wide open for opinion & judgment. When you release the fear and just focus on what you are desiring, the sense of freedom is unlike anything I can describe with words. This inspiring just one person to rock out in their bedroom tonight & have a similar experience far outweighs any potential embarrassment. Plus…I get to control whether or not I am embarrassed and I choose to not be so.
I know I’ve never been a singer. My brothers are the musicians; the artists. I was the student; the athlete. That was my story. Well, I want my story to expand. I want to be the athlete, the academic AND the artist! And If I am going to sing, I need to quickly move beyond the fear of everyone in my life potentially hearing it. Now…tonight…I am doing just that. With this – opening myself up to be completely vulnerable creatively by posting the first thing I’ve ever sang – I am free. Final test passed. It’s time to discover the artist within me screaming to get out. It’s time to sing and dance and to engage with life like never before. It is time for me to live!
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