I didn’t begin to have true appreciation and love for the power of music until I began seeing performing arts shows regularly in Tampa. This was one thing my ex-husband and I loved to do together. We had season tickets to Tampa’s impressive Performing Arts Center for 7 years. I saw EVERY show that came to town for 7 years and fell in love with all of it! I had always been drawn to films, but the live nature of the shows blew me away. It was then, 1997, that I began dreaming of being able to do anything like that … to any degree.
One of the things I feel so privileged to have been a part of is the watching of my youngest brother become a more confident, talented musician in the early 2000s. He had taken the better part of a year and dedicated it to his musical development and anyone paying attention could see, hear, and feel how gifted he was. At the time, my husband operated the IMAX theater and associated lounging area at the local science museum in Tampa. This was a perfect opportunity for Drew to come up from Sarasota and perform. It was new & small, but every week, there were at least a half dozen people present. They were there to socialize with one another more so than to hear the live music, but it didn’t matter. He was doing it. He was singing and playing songs in public that he composed and wrote. And they were good. Really good. I was in the audience every week – the proudest older sister EVER!
I don’t know the first thing about singing. I do know that I have lived a great deal of my life vicariously through films, TV programs, books, and the lyrics of songs. Pathetic as that may sound, it is the truth. Without being aware of the fact that I did so, I shut my heart out to the connection I desired most after experiencing the worst heartache of my life at 19 years old. So, I sang my ass off to a ton of songs that expressed all that I was feeling at any given time in my life.
In my head, certain songs and scenes from films allowed me to have all of my dream interactions with those closest to me in my life. It was the only way I could truly & fully communicate, it seemed, with others. Because in “real” life, my honesty, my depth, my intensity… it always… ALWAYS hit one boundary or another in all of my relationships. The only way I knew how to be in the world – passionate to my core, endlessly curious, enthusiastic, idealistic, and intense – ended up, at some point, to be too much for everyone. Quite often, this lack of this immensely desired connection with someone else – ANYONE else – who wanted to live in the world like I did…it became too much for me. The only way I could cope with the loneliness, for years far beyond high school, was through media, such as films and music.
When I saw movies or heard songs that expressed exactly what I was feeling or depicted an experience very similar to what I was having, I felt those emotions to my core. I put myself in films in the role of the characters that most depicted me. I put myself in the voices singing lyrics that expressed living intensely. I didn’t experience, save for my athletics, a world where people were living with the same intensity as me and that killed my spirit. I wasn’t exactly aware that this was going on. I only knew that in a world where I regularly felt completely isolated, I felt better when I could identify with some form of creative expression and mimic it. I was profoundly affected by the arts, in this very mainstream manner. Without feeling less alone through identification with all of these “fictitious” experiences, I would not have survived my adolescence. The number of times I sang this song could serve as proof.
In 1994, when “Stay” was on the radio, in my mind, I was singing it to one person and one person only. Practically every lyric rang true. I was leaving Michigan for Florida and at some level I knew I would never be back. I was also leaving the only person in my life at the time that I longed to make proud. He was my inspiration to be the best person possible and as such, meant the world to me. Staying wasn’t an option but I wasn’t sure if I could stand on my own. I never could have guessed that it would have taken me 18 1/2 years to do just that. But I’m here. Thank you to Lisa Loeb for writing the perfect song to express such a monumental part of my story. I’ve loved singing it for now, almost 20 years.
And…to the person to whom I sang this song in my mind all those years ago…you will always be my first true inspiration. Just by being you, you made me strive to be the best I could be. Thank you for the example that has remained at the center of my heart for over 20 years. Finally, I see the miracle of what we shared instead of all the pain of what we felt we couldn’t share. The miracle is simple … just love … unconditional love.
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This is the first time I’ve ever consciously taped myself singing. This recording, made last week, is completely unprofessional. I did a single take, as you will notice by the two, very clear lyrical mistakes I make. I used only my little hand-held tape recorder with the song playing through my speaker system in the background. Basically, my own little karaoke set-up.
It’s only been in the past two months that I’ve really begun to see what musical capabilities I possess. Right now I know that I LOVE to sing this song. It was even better when all the lyrics rang more true than they do today. I couldn’t have written a better theme song for my life when I finally came to my breaking point, 3 years ago.
Music has changed my world. I say to everyone, just sing! Let yourself sing! It isn’t that hard…listen here to me doing it. One year ago I never in my wildest dreams could have possibly guessed that it would EVER happen that I would be doing something like this! I don’t care how cheesy this appears. I don’t care how good or bad I sound. I am sharing because I’ve come alive through singing & dancing! I can’t NOT do it! And if I can do this, with not a single singing lesson EVER, than so can YOU!!!
Turn off the TV and start listening to music again. And just sing!
“Way Back Into Love” – Alyson’s life – July, 2010
Contributing Factors to Song Selection:
1) Drew Barrymore is bad ass!
2) I find Hugh Grant to be completely adorable. He stars in MANY of my favorite romantic comedies, including the film from which this song comes, Music & Lyrics.
3) The lyrics couldn’t be more perfect (both the male AND female portions) to describe where my life was in July, 2010 when I finally decided to change everything. And yes…I sing both parts because all of it applied and who the hell else was going to sing with me?!
4) It happens to be a song that has ranges I am able to “sing”.
5) I never tire of singing it! And I can’t imagine how beautiful the experience will be to someday sing with a partner. I envision that aspect, in particular, when I sing it now, rather than focusing on the lyrics as I did in the past. In this manner, I believe I am helping to create that reality of my future. And even if it never happens, my mind doesn’t know the difference. I sing it as if I’m on stage in front of millions. In “reality”, I’m just in my living room. It is the most freeing thing ever to let go & sing. Sing as if both no one & everyone can hear you I’m not at all embarrassed to show you how easy it is. And what I’m hoping to prove is that with practice AND the intense desire, I will get better. If I continue to want to sing as much as I want to sing now, there is no doubt my voice is only going to get better. I’m my own experiment.
This is dedicated to Jeff, Jon, Rob, Norinda, & the woman sitting next to me on the last day of the Krishna Das retreat weekend this past March in Orlando. These are five people who all, in very minor ways, indicated that I wasn’t too horrible with my singing. They gave me just enough validation to allow me to push through any fears I may have had lingering from my old story preventing me from doing this extremely freeing thing. Thank you to all of you. Singing moves me unlike anything from my previous life and I think there may be talent to allow to come through. But I’ve never known anything scarier thus far in my life than to put my thoughts, and now, my voice out into the public – wide open for opinion & judgment. When you release the fear and just focus on what you are desiring, the sense of freedom is unlike anything I can describe with words. This inspiring just one person to rock out in their bedroom tonight & have a similar experience far outweighs any potential embarrassment. Plus…I get to control whether or not I am embarrassed and I choose to not be so.
I know I’ve never been a singer. My brothers are the musicians; the artists. I was the student; the athlete. That was my story. Well, I want my story to expand. I want to be the athlete, the academic AND the artist! And If I am going to sing, I need to quickly move beyond the fear of everyone in my life potentially hearing it. Now…tonight…I am doing just that. With this – opening myself up to be completely vulnerable creatively by posting the first thing I’ve ever sang – I am free. Final test passed. It’s time to discover the artist within me screaming to get out. It’s time to sing and dance and to engage with life like never before. It is time for me to live!
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