The Sun Continues to Shine (as it pertains to my story)
I anticipate writing much more in the future about my healing time in Michigan. For now, the most pertinent part pertains to the drastic financial shift that took place while there. My year was quickly approaching its end & my savings account had dwindled down to $0. Stick-to-my-promise-to-myself time. I was about to experience credit card debt for the first time in my life.
Prior to this, I had only acquired & paid off the “good” (as society labeled) type of debt – auto & student loans. For some strange reason, I had adopted an odd sense of moral superiority due to the fact that I had remained credit card debt-free up until this point. I wore it as some sort of false badge of honor. Not yet aware of how to hang my sense of value on my actual values, I was grasping at all sorts of strange validations for my self-worth. In this regard, on the self-worth front, my situation was a very big test for me. Could I obtain this debt and not allow myself to believe any longer that this somehow made me less of a “good” person? I was about to see.
It was February, 2011, when I utilized my first ever 0% APR offer. My brother, Jeff, had been heralding this process for years, but I had been too fearful of it. Irrational and illogical fear, but fear none the less. Now…no fear. I called the credit card company 3 times to make sure I understood exactly what I needed to do in order to take full advantage of the 0% offer. I familiarized myself with the rules and felt I was ready to play.
Lo & behold, it wasn’t as difficult as I had expected to have this debt hanging over my head. I simply chose a different perspective from which to see my scenario. For the first time in my adult life, I knew I was on the path towards my full potential. Instinctively, I knew that any amount of debt I was to incur would be more than made up for in the upcoming months. My training had begun.
Fast forward to the summer months and my arrival in Seattle. Not surprisingly, even after beginning the highest paying job of my life since PricewaterhouseCoopers in 1999, I was still going to be in debt for at least 4-6 months. A cross-country move, following a year with very little actual income and a now depleted savings account meant I needed some time to rebuild financially. Shocking to even myself, I was perfectly comfortable with the situation. I took the remaining balance on my 0% card & made my first balance transfer in October of 2011 to another 0% card. You see, I discovered that they keep sending you new cards and offering you more opportunities for 0% APR – on both purchases & balance transfers. Hmmm…
At this point in 2011 (and still today) I had a limit on myself of how much I was going to push this – a comfort level, if you will. This was the first time I had EVER carried a credit card balance – 0% or otherwise. If you remember, money issues were the single biggest limiting factor of my life in terms of old-story belief patterns. This debt situation did not begin 2 years ago as something entirely comfortable. But it was pretty amazing how quickly I was able to establish a new belief of using this advantage to the absolute maximum.
Looking back now, what started in my personal life planted a seed for what I have been able to do in the past 5 weeks with the establishment of my company’s business operations. I realized, quite clearly, that I had spent the past 2 years preparing myself on a smaller scale for the opportunity that presented itself just over a month ago. I had grown very comfortable with & was not at all stressed by the 0% debt. And I was confident that I was on the path that would soon have me earning an income much more representative of my value in this world. Somehow I just knew that whatever money I needed from that point onward would be there exactly when I needed it. At some level, 2 years ago, I knew that credit cards were going to play a big role in my company that did not yet exist. This hunch proved correct. In a VERY big way.
A little over a month ago, on 1/11/13, I sat down to organize my (at the time) 7 credit cards, 3 bank accounts, and my Paypal account. If I was preparing my company to receive millions, I surely needed to have every duck in a row on my end to manage that flow of money. I didn’t care how fantastical it sounded that I felt like millions were going to come by July. Aim for the stars and reach the moon, I say. I knew if I was telling the Universe that I was ready for millions, it wouldn’t work its magic to make that happen unless I was truly ready to manage large amounts of money. Time for a complete financial assessment.
At this time, I was also fending off growing anxiety because I only had approximately $3000 of 0% money (of which I was aware) remaining with dwindling cash-on-hand. I needed some money to flow in somehow and soon. You may be wondering why I wasn’t attempting to procure funds via “normal” start-up business avenues. Because in case it isn’t clear, this is anything but “normal”. No way was some venture capitalist or some banker going to be able to remotely comprehend the ideas in my mind. My most progressive, open-minded, closest friends couldn’t even fully grasp the complete vision. And I was NOT watering this down in order to receive funding. No way!
I had decided on 10/14 I was finished once & for all with compromising my capabilities in the work I do for pay. Additionally, I discovered that I was also done with having to prove myself and/or my worth to anyone. I could no longer justify all the energy it was draining from me to try to obtain & work a job where I would undoubtedly be drastically under-utilized. I had to admit to myself that it upset me greatly to try to explain & demonstrate my entire unique worth on this planet in a one page resume and an hour interview. This felt like an enormous insult given the lack of vision found in every place I’ve ever worked. I had visionary ideas and I wanted a place to actualize these ideas. I was no longer apologizing for this need. For me, regarding employment, in order to live & be happy, I accepted the fact that I was going to need to create my very own, unique, work environment. This is the result…thus far.
Five and a half weeks ago, an evening that began with simply an organization of my plastic money concluded with a discovery that changed the course of everything. None of what I am about to reveal was on my radar in its present form one month ago…none of it. I was in fast pursuit of my first million believing then & only then (having the million in hand) could I make the changes in the world of which I’ve always dreamed. Once again…I had fallen victim to old paradigm beliefs and I didn’t even notice. Namely, I had forgotten about the immense power of the present. I was setting myself up again…repeating my habit of believing only upon the accomplishment of something in the future would my life be 100% fulfilling. Well, this financial discovery, made very late on 1/11/13, was my test. My newest, biggest test of my belief & faith in this pursuit of my dream. Another check of my confidence in my intuition. Just as I did on 10/14, I had no hesitation.
I knew exactly what lay in front of me. Nothing less than an opportunity to take my unique ideas out into the world with a very real chance at changing things at significant levels. Right now!! Not once I earned my millions. I learned on this night, around 11:30 pm, that I had all I needed in my wallet. I could do this. It takes meticulous organization and discipline. But I could do this. This was it!
My organization of my finances led to my uncovering of approximately $60,000 of 0% (balance transfer for 12+ months) money to spend. In order to capitalize on the offers, however, I had only 4-6 weeks. I had $60,000 to spend and the only thing I needed to concern myself with was the answer to the following question…’Do you think you will have this money to pay back this debt in a 12-15 month period?’ The answer, intuitively, without hesitation, was a resounding ‘yes’! And just like, that…my dream was my reality.
I wanted millions to spend in manners in which I believed would make the world better. And I now had the chance to do this exact thing. Not millions yet, but in my world, $60,000 felt like a million. In what way could I spend this money most efficiently given ALL that I know to be true about these times in which we are living? Seeing as I have already spent millions in my mind…putting into motion all of the hundreds of ideas that I have up there, I was ready for this. I had been ready for this moment for my entire life. My Dream Team was born immediately. Immediately!
The rest is fast becoming history. Get ready to learn the details of EVOLT…an opportunity for ALL to play!
Next…Watering & Weeding
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April 3, 2010 will forever mark the date when I began to consciously live my life in full awareness of the spiritual guidance that surrounds us all in the universe. I was brand new to this awakened, conscious living, but looking back now, I knew that night, at an instinctual level, that I had found the answer I had been seeking since I was 6. I also sensed I was going to be a quick learner of this new Game. At a pure intuitive level, I knew that I had stumbled upon something quite literally, miraculous.
I don’t care how this sounds to anyone else. I don’t care what this “looks” like to anyone else. The task at hand – the one that has had me stumped for 3 weeks – is now ready to be completed. That is the revealing of what I’ve been working on since mid-October when I made the decision to NOT return to a job I truly enjoyed at Microsoft. I’ve been dumbfounded for 3 weeks on how to proceed – on how to announce all of these ideas & attempt to explain all that is already in motion. In my efforts, I got stuck in the old paradigm. I was waist deep (knees to most others) in it – thinking of every single negative judgement, criticism, opinion, or comment that could be thrown my way once I made public all these radical ideas in my mind.
In addition to breaking the golden rule of taking care of myself, I also broke rule #2…always be aware of your focus. I lost sight of the fact that I was focusing on all the wrong things. Worrying about how this appears to anyone lessens my 100% belief in what I am doing. If I try to convince or sway, I am not trusting. If I am not trusting, than I am not believing. And if I am not believing then I am giving less than 100% positive energy to the idea(s). As I’ve mentioned many times already, in this new Game, it is all about the energy. Part of what I believe I am meant to demonstrate is the significant, observable difference it makes to focus so intently on the positive.
Exactly 3 weeks ago, I was stopped dead in my positive path of 100% belief in my on-the-fringe ideas. I had to find my way back to standing tall & confident in the example that I am choosing to live. I had to believe that I was going to be strong enough to continue in my pursuit, trusting only my belief, if necessary, once I exposed myself at this next level. I was sure to gain some fans upon the unveiling. But I was also sure to lose some. I needed to be okay with possibly losing some, if only temporarily. This isn’t the first pause of its kind on this journey of mine. In fact, these pauses have been more frequent these past 5 weeks and you will soon read why this has been the case. Regardless, these necessary respites result in a seemingly slowed progress. I’ve cautiously & confidently worked my way out of the muck & am feeling less & less stuck as each hour passes now.
As I think I discovered yesterday, it turns out that I was stuck for entirely different reasons than I thought. I didn’t know that I needed to come back to this part of my story. Not until yesterday morning. It all seems so obvious now. Of course I needed to come back to the foundation of all that I am today. That foundation was laid on 4/3/10. When you ask what could possibly have motivated me and inspired me to ALL of these ideas about which you are to learn, you will now know the answer I found for myself just this week.
I can see clearly now that the seeds for many of these ideas were planted long ago in my past. Providing the perfect growing environment for these ideas, however, has only been possible due to what happened that Saturday night 3 years ago. What my reality has become today has only been imaginable because of what was opened up within me that night. How do I know? Within days of this experience, I made the most important decision of my life.
I gave myself one year. I had been researching the idea of going to China to teach before moving to Seattle. After this life-changing night, though, I was able to see that this was just one more example of me planning to run away. No matter where you go, you take you with you. Thankfully, I made this realization and decided that yet another achievement was not what I needed. I was still allowing myself to take, in June, my first international trip (to Japan) in 12 years but I knew what my next year needed to be. I saw the opportunities I needed to take advantage of at this exact time in my life and I consciously chose to do so.
I decided that beginning, “officially” on July 1, 2010, I would gift myself a full year away from the “real” world – i.e. having no “regular” employment. I could never have predicted what happened throughout that year and how my life would change. Never! I had no conscious awareness of what I now realize, in retrospect, it was that I was really giving myself permission to do.
For the first time in my life, I was claiming my life. I was taking control of the only thing over which I have control in this world…myself. I was ready for the powerful, universal Truth available to us all as soon as we are open to seeing it…that we are creating our own realities. We have much greater power over our lives than most are able to acknowledge because we are too busy looking to others outside of us to blame. If only this person or that person would live their lives differently, than I could be happy. This, I finally saw, is a futile effort. Taking full responsibility for your own life…THAT is the solution I was ready to test.
I had thus far focused my entire life outside of myself. I had been living so long to first appease others that it would take years for me to find my way back to myself. I didn’t really know myself. I was very lost in my own, highly negative mind. I couldn’t trust anything within me because at some level I knew I didn’t really know what the hell I wanted from my life. It seemed easier to look to the world outside of me for solutions. Except it wasn’t working. As I watched the years of my life go by more quickly, this approach only grew more tiresome & caused more anger at perceived injustices. I was moving closer to the dark than to the light. Until this hugely spiritual experience revealed to me a different road.
Through that experience, I was somehow able to admit & accept the harsh truth – that no one else could heal me but me. No one else was responsible for my happiness but me. Living my old approach had done significant damage – namely, in the creation of very negative belief patterns. I knew I had to heal. And as I prepared to begin a brand new life in Seattle, I wanted to arrive there as healthy as possible. So I promised myself a full 12 months. I gave myself permission to do things unheard of in my life before. Specifically, the following:
1) To not hold a “regular” job for the first time since age 13. 2) To return home to MI…knowingly, to the hornet’s nest of EVERYTHING. Accepting that this is exactly where I needed to go to heal myself, no matter how painful I knew parts of the journey would be. 3) To deplete my roughly $10,000 in savings (while living, thankfully, for free at my mom’s home). This money, I decided, I could use for anything, within reason, to heal. Given my ridiculously frugal past and my complete inability to take proper care of myself (at this time) I knew I could trust myself with this open-ended range of spending. Last, but certainly not least, #4.
The 4th unprecedented thing I resolved to do if necessary… I would go into debt for the first time in my life. It was time that I placed the proper value on my mental, emotional, and physical well being. WHATEVER it took, I was determined to move to Seattle with as little negative baggage from my past as possible. Nothing was more important than my happiness, which is now synonymous with my health. The moment of this decision, April, 2010 was in fact my rebirth in this life. I was no longer afraid of all the things that had prevented me from doing this decades earlier. I could no longer feel so miserable & allow fear to control my life. Like never before I knew this was not how the world was supposed to be. But in order to try to offer solutions to all the problems upon which I had been focused, I finally accepted that I needed to first take care of myself – at any cost.
I knew I was a born leader and was ready, after too many years, to return to a life allowing me to fully engage in this natural role. I also was aware that due to decades of unconscious, self-imposed deprivation, I had a reserve of love to share that would be hard to match in its sheer volume & magnitude. Yet, I wouldn’t be able to hear, see, or feel how I was meant to share this love until I was healed. I didn’t know exactly how this healing would take place and I fought it for months upon my arrival in Michigan. But there was no going back. I was doing this. I got the taste of real, lasting happiness for the first time on 4/3/10 & knew I could make that my new reality once I made peace with all the darkness of my past.
There was one thing I vowed with every ounce of my being that I would not fight. Knowing how difficult it would be to follow through on, if needed, I promised myself again that I would go into debt without judging myself & without worry. I was worth nothing close to my value to anyone else until I was worth something to myself.
I needed to discover my own worth and it began with learning how to love. I had to learn how to love me and the first step turned out to be giving myself permission to do whatever it took to find & follow this love. I have continued to do just that and so as I prepare to unveil it all, it was appropriate to share when this shift took place. The shift from fear to love that began on 4/3/10 & has inspired & guided me to today.
Next…EVOLT is Planted
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Before continuing the story, I best explain the plant analogy I am using as I compose these latest blog posts. Prior to my work on the farm, in addition to not being able to identify 90% of the crops we grew there, I had no real experience with the different stages of growing food. My first two months of work provided ample opportunity to be in awe of how disconnected I had become. This was a basic need…our food…our primary fuel to live. This was a big deal…a very big deal.
Learning the stages of the crops was only the beginning. I know at a later time I will write further about my extraordinary 2-year farm adventure. For now, however, I hope the following allows for a better understanding of the analogy I am using between my idea(s) & growing food. Below is the general life cycle of crops I learned while employed at Bill’s farm.
1) Seeding the crops in flats – Seeds for dozens of plants are kept in a refrigerator in the temperature-controlled seed shed. We fill the 72- and 128-cell flats with soil & then, each cell with a seed. These flats remain stacked high in the seed shed for anywhere from 2-5 days. It is during this time that the seeds begin to sprout.
2) Moving the flats out into the nursery – Here the newly-sprouted plants continue to grow under a shade cloth. We also ‘thin’ at this stage. Some of the seeds are extremely small, so it is common for folks to drop more than one inside of the cells of the flats. We only want one final, healthy plant to put into the ground, so thinning entails picking out all but one baby plant from each of the cells.
3) Planting the starter plants – Once the plants reach a certain size, they are ready to be put into the ground out in the fields.
4) Watering & weeding – The primary caring tasks of the plants once in the ground, allowing them to grow until they are ready for harvest.
5) Harvesting – Each crop is harvested differently. Some require knife use, others you pull directly from the ground, and still others, like kale, you simply break off from the larger plant. (By far, harvesting was my favorite task on the farm.)
6) Consuming the crops – I do not believe it an exaggeration to make the claim that the food grown on Bill’s farm is some of the healthiest, most potent, organically-grown food in the country. The food grown is an extension of Bill’s energy. Bill is the only one who determines the movement of his crops from stage to stage. He is the only one that waters them. He is the only one 100% connected to each & every one of his plants. And he is the real deal. This man has taught me more about living your truth than anyone else thus far in my life. I very much believe the fact that his entire world has been an honest pursuit of what his heart called him to do contributes greatly to the amazing food grown in his fields.
Bill heeded his calling to the best of his abilities. He continues to do so every day, without apology or explanation. He has affected the lives of thousands of people via his example. Many may wonder how or why I ended up back in FL to launch this dream of mine. At the top of list of reasons lies Bill & his farm. I owe my entire life shift to the energy of this city, of his example, and to that of all my Sarasota friends who dramatically influenced my life during the two short years I “lived” here the first time around. Utilizing a plant analogy to tell the story – something of the Earth – something to represent my return to the barest of Truths – is most certainly appropriate.
Now, we return to the story. We left off as my huge ideas of today were beginning to sprout.
I haven’t thought of the details of the night described in my previous blog post in well over a year. I believed that night (due to the Until Today reading to which I was led) and still to this day that the ‘Holy Spirit’ was in the room with me. No doubt about it at all. This is the first time, though, that I am asking myself what I believe the Holy Spirit to be.
That night, I wasn’t labeling anything. Attempting to label “It” is what has us all so confused and lost. If I’ve learned only one thing these past 3 years, it is that you absolutely cannot label this knowing…this greater-than-us energetic entity. There are no words to describe “It”. To quote Eckhart Tolle, “…words are just the pointers”. This cannot be fully described with any amount of words. You must feel this. You must experience this. This transcends the thinking capacity of our minds. “It” is not meant to be described. “It” is meant to be lived. Before I could begin living “It”, however, I had to experience “It”.
That night, I was acting at some sort of instinctual level. Nothing I was feeling was familiar or previously known. This was unlike anything I had ever felt before. With no frame of reference, I was left with only the option of ‘being’ with the moment. Completely in the present moment. On April 3rd & 4th, I experienced my present moment(s) for a longer period of time & more completely than all of my combined present-moment experiences from the previous 30 years of living.
I had spent very little time in my present since 6 years old. I was either burdened by my past or worried about my future. If things were good, my past belief patterns & habits had me convinced it could never last. Rather than enjoy the moment for however long it lasted, I just focused on the belief that it was going to end and probably sooner rather than later. If things were bad, that was expected. It wouldn’t be until 2011 that I realized & understood how I further influenced the continued drama of my life by creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of “bad” with these negative expectations. What you focus on is what you create for your reality. No exceptions.
The greater awareness you have of this universal fact, the more you pay attention to your conscious thoughts. My level of awareness shifted dramatically on this night. Specifically, I was awakened to the power of the present moment. The intense nature of the experience forced me to focus (quite easily) on being 100% present in the moment for the first time since being a young kid. The new emotions that resulted overcame me. What do I think it was that I was experiencing? As I reflect on all my life has become in the past 3 years…I believe it was love. Complete, unconditional love from something way beyond my little reality. Overwhelming, non-judgmental, unconditional love surrounding me for the first time and for the first time…me allowing it in. Allowing ALL of it!
Next…The Sun Continues to Shine (as it pertains to my story)
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Seeing as this particular dream of mine is centered around money you may or may not be wondering how I have been supporting myself and my company since the ceasing of “regular” Microsoft income (read employed) on July 25, 2012. Very good question indeed.
The one financial advantage I possess that has turned out to be the absolute difference in everything is my credit record. I have exceptional credit. And I was raised by a brilliant, accountant father. This would prove to be the perfect combination for my transition from old paradigm to new paradigm, which began almost 3 years ago, while living in Sarasota, FL.
Saturday, April 3, 2010 – approximately 11:30 in the evening. I had just completed my normal week – 75-80 hours of work (operating my own company, full-time on the farm, and volunteer coordinating for athletic races). A work week that culminated with back-to-back 15+ hour days on Friday & Saturday. By this time on Saturdays, I was generally a bit tired & sleep came easily & immediately once I hit the pillow. However, on this particular night, which happened to coincidentally be the night before the Christian Easter holiday, I was jolted out of bed. Approximately 15 minutes later, I was brought to my knees – literally – for the first time in my life.
I was led to a book. I opened to April 3rd & upon reading the first sentence, it was instantaneous. The entire room filled with the most powerful, energetic, emotional, intensely beautiful thing causing the beginning of what could only be described as a “religious experience”. Ironically, I was adamant at this point in my life about my lack of affiliation with any religion – especially the one of my past, Catholicism. Yet, right there…right at that moment…I believed I had to be in the midst of what religious people identified as a “religious experience”. What else could it be?
‘This must be the same thing’, I thought, for that was the only frame of reference my mind was able to grasp in order to help me try to comprehend what was happening. All I knew was that this was the most spiritual experience of my life. I knew something was taking place way beyond what our limited, 5 senses allow us to be able to define. My world was never going to be the same and at some level, I knew it.
The reaction to fall to my knees was automatic – truly beyond my control. And the phrase that was coming out of my mouth was also unbelievably automatic. All I could say for minutes was, ‘Oh my God!’ ‘Oh my God!’ ‘OH MY GOD!!!’ There was quite simply no other way to react. The feeling was overwhelming & it was entirely positive. It was peaceful & happy. I had never felt this magnitude of either of those emotions on their own, let alone both of them together…at once. It just … was. I wanted that feeling to last as long as possible. So I continued to sit on the cold floor & feel “It”.
Within minutes I found myself lighting candles & incense and sitting cross-legged on a pillow. I was preparing to meditate for the first time ever. I had no clue what to do. I closed my eyes. And for 45 minutes, in absolute silence…I sat. I just sat. Me and this astounding energetic presence engulfing me. It was incredible. It was beautiful. It was calming. It was peaceful. It was inspiring. And it changed my life forever.
When I came out of it…this meditation…the first conscious thought I had was the question. You know which one…the big one… ‘Do you believe?’ ‘Do you believe in God or in a force greater than us?’ ‘Yes or no?’ It wasn’t as if this particular question had been consciously burning in my mind, but given the circumstances, I suppose it makes complete sense why this, of all questions, would come to the forefront at this moment. Looking back now, I know having this specific thought was absolutely not accidental. I know exactly why that question.
That question was the only real question I had been trying to answer for decades. I couldn’t clearly see this fact at the time, but that is what my entire life had been in pursuit of…the answer to that question. Of course it is logical to believe that immediately after an intensely spiritual/religious experience, you would be posed with the question for which you most desire the answer. In fact, some would argue – including this someone – that one’s intense desire for an answer is absolutely what summons a particular experience that can provide this desired answer. I was reaching a critical point in my life where I very much needed an answer to the only real question that mattered to me. Up until that night, I still did not have one.
I knew I didn’t believe in the hypocrisy that organized religion had become, but I knew that the question could be answered from my non-religious perspective. You can absolutely be spiritual without having to be religious. I knew that I already believed this question to be beyond religion. This was very much a universal, spiritual question. Regardless, though, I truly did not know whether or not I believed.
I wanted to believe. I wanted so badly to believe. But I had a very difficult time looking at the ugliness in our world, in our country, and in my own life and believing there was a God. All I was doing at this point in my life was living my very negative belief patterns – habitually, with very little awareness of what existed outside of my mind. In other words, I was a hell of a lot closer to answering ‘no’ than answering ‘yes’.
I knew that answering ‘no’ was synonymous with hopelessness. But I couldn’t help it. That emotion described me more than anything else at this time in my life – hopeless – about pretty much everything. And for the first time since high school it was becoming increasingly difficult to justify to continue living in so much pain. Truth be told, I couldn’t even comprehend what answering ‘yes’ looked like. I was simply holding onto any reason to not slip down into the definite ‘no’ category. I was still undecided. Barely, but technically I was still undecided. That is, until this day in April. Finally…exactly when I needed it most…I had an answer. A VERY clear answer to this all-important question of belief in something greater than us existing.
When posed with the question at the conclusion of my “experience”, my answer, without hesitation, was most certainly ‘yes’! Not only that, but it was a ‘yes’ that I knew would never, ever turn to a ‘no’. I try to never say ‘never’ and yet somehow I feel 100% confident in claiming that I will never ‘not believe’ or ‘not know’ again. I can’t go back to what was before. I realize now that it was my inability to answer this question that had truly been the root of all my pain.
There was still to be a LOT of pain felt between 4/3/10 & the present day, but the nature of my journey shifted completely that night. Completely. I believed! I absolutely believed! In fact, I couldn’t believe that I actually was feeling this absolute certainty in my belief. I was definitely not yet comfortable to call this feeling ‘God’ but I knew it. I knew it! My answer was ‘yes’! 100% yes! And nothing has been the same since.
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