From Alyson’s Journal
September 4, 2010
Just listening to more African music, while re-reading Geneen Roth’s, “Women, Food, & God”, enjoying my high from Day 1 (again) of fasting, a 2 1/2+ hr. workout, and a meditation session. I am finding that this combination is resulting in some pretty excellent thoughts coming to me!
I just re-read in Geneen’s book – “…women turn to food when they are not hungry because they are hungry for something they can’t name: a connection to what is beyond the concerns of daily life.”
This explains why I’ve had a particularly difficult time in MI since coming home. This is the first time in my life when I haven’t the “concerns of daily life”. I’m living at home – this is the cheapest I could possibly be living in the U.S. at this age and I have savings & my IRA as back-up $, if necessary. I purposely did this knowing in my gut and subconscious what was going to happen. I’d have nothing but time every day for months to come face-to-face with demons that are truly preventing me from moving on into my adult life. At that time, months ago, when I was telling my Sarasota counselor of my plans, however, I couldn’t make the connection I just made.
No common daily concerns = mind left with nothing to do but think about life and existence itself.
So…that is what has been going on since I left teaching. Arguably, since I first got injured (preventing me from literally running away from what I’m face-to-face with right now) while in my final year of teaching in ’07-’08. And due to my life changes when I moved to Sarasota, I had more time – not due to less hours of work but 40+ hours of my work now (at the farm) allowed me to think about those sorts of things. All my previous jobs – especially teaching – took my mind’s full attention to perform. So, with increasing happenings/instances of major revelations correlating with the changes of my life since Sarasota, it’s no surprise that now with absolutely zero job responsibilities, I’m flipping out. I am face-to-face with all my shit with ZERO buffers!!
Shit! Seriously…no fuckin’ wonder my flip-outs have been so intense. And no fuckin’ wonder my problems with food are peaking again! No shit! This makes perfect sense.
And…guess what? Guess what my fuckin’ “Voice”? I’m learning that I CAN tolerate what I thought was intolerable! Exactly as Geneen promises! Holy shit! I’m doing it right now! Yes…my eating is still fucked up – as evidence, the fact that I’m still fasting – but everything is clear! I’m more aware of all that is going on inside me and what it all means than ever before. I’m still, at least partially in my mind, trying to “fix” myself, but I’m closer now to ending this deal I’ve made with myself for the past 12+ years.
I really do enjoy exercising and I enjoy eating healthy and I like the way I feel on the inside when I’m taking proper care of my outside (often resulting in lower weight). If I can continue to beat down these demons – my fear of love & truly opening my heart to a man; my fear of abandonment; my longing for a life partner – if I continue to battle these guys as I’m doing right now, every day of my life, I’m gonna get there! And my journey will be even easier because I truly and honestly am not punishing myself with exercise & healthy eating/living. I truly love those things. They are not a part of “fixing” myself; they are “taking care of myself”. Therefore, I don’t need to cease these activities.
What I need to stop doing is allowing these demons to win. I keep jeopardizing my relationships with men. Pursuing relationships that I KNOW I am way better than. Each time (on the rare occasions I’ve felt the requisite “spark”) I knew I deserved “better” than what each man could respectively give to me in a relationship. For different reasons, of course, as each of those potential relationships had very different “obstacles”. But, I spent my time and energy pursuing them anyway. Now, I don’t think it was an entirely bad thing. I think I learned or “got” something from each of these relationships as they happened to pan out. And I think that is additional evidence that I have indeed made significant progress.
Oh man…just to think that I really may be coming to an end – very soon – to this war with myself. Wow! My mission, that once achieved/completed, will result in my reaching of my goal of ending this war with myself: my suffering will end when I do this: get back in touch with who I REALLY am – my true nature – my essence!
That’s it! That is why I am here in MI – again…I am getting back in touch with who I REALLY am – my true nature – my essence!
I haven’t been in that place since 8th grade. I know this sounds ridiculous but I think it’s true. Not since 8th grade have I been so confident about myself by not allowing a lack of confidence about my outside translate to a lack of confidence about my inside – my essence. This began in late 9th or 10th grade.
Holy shit! I think I just had another fuckin’ revelation! I remember being totally okay with my body and eating through at least late winter of 10th grade. And I KNOW my sadness, depression, body image – all of it reached its first peak in 11th grade. I always blamed my “relationship” with my older friend, coupled with the fact that all my girlfriends began to have boyfriends in 10th grade while I didn’t. What I never really put together until just now is the EXACT correlation with my fuckin’ parents’ dating and remarriage! Holy shit! That’s it!
I fuckin’ lost it at that time. That is when I think I lost God (as Geneen talks about)…the time leading up to that January 16th 2nd wedding of my parents. I forgot my best friend’s birthday for the first time ever that year – it was 3 days prior to this date. I remember gaining weight, hating myself – especially at Junior Prom – my God…that’s it! My life truly went off course right around my 17th birthday! Almost 18 years ago! Well…that’s fuckin’ it!
My goal – by this birthday – 35 – I’m done with this shit! That gives me 3 months and I seriously think I’m gonna do this! It’s all coming together! And it’s cold & thus, beautiful outside. This is fuckin’ great! Why? Because I’m home for the first time since yes, 18 yrs old, but it is gonna be so easy to go back just two more years, to age 16 and bring THOSE memories back. Feelin’ good…confident.
I didn’t worry about food; I was stoked about life in 9th & most of 10th grade; I had super cute boyfriends; awesome girlfriends; awesome sports; life was really good. Getting back to those memories is gonna help me kill these demons once and for all. They have been beat down these past 2 1/2 years. They are weak. They are prime for the final kill! I just need to finish them off!
My longing for my cultural heritage – meet this longing by meeting with TaTa (my Dad’s mom & my grandmother) every week beginning the week of September 12th.
My visceral reaction to Indian music (among other world sounds) – interesting correlation to this being the birth place of Buddhism. Combine that with my connection to the monks, chanting, & Buddhism’s philosophy, AND with the fact that Geneen too went to India and pursued Buddhism…this may help show me that I’m well on my way to dealing with this final demon(s)!
Future journal entries – my specific connections to specific movies and…
Exploring my “talent” in “art” that has been present since childhood – massive love of movies – significant means of coping.
Wow! This is pretty intense. Something else just hit me. My pain in my core suddenly has taken on an entirely new meaning. I got hurt from literally running away and it (my injury) brought me face-to-face with this shit. And I have had pain in my core non-stop since – even after surgery. And it has been increasing as I got closer and closer to this emotional pain and now as I work to move beyond it. My God!? What if in addition to this eating problem and body image being healed…what if I also could stop feeling these pains throughout my core?! My hips, groin, pelvis areas…they’ve been in persistent pain for 3 years now. That’s a long time to not feel physically well.
I desperately need to address my core issues physically to complement how I’m now addressing them emotionally. They need to be tackled from both sides. Yoga, pilates, etc.
While there are tears ahead, there are so many more powerful, positive feelings ahead too! And…immediately!
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From Alyson’s Journal
September 2, 2010
I’ve just begun doing what Kevin first suggested to me – going to the library to check out music. I picked out my 2nd round of CDs yesterday and I mainly brought home world music. Specifically, African, Indian, & Middle Eastern music. And I think I just fell in love with my first non-mainstream – very non-mainstream – group – Etran Finatawa. This music really resonates with me and I love their culture – nomadic people of North Africa.
This connection to the music made me ask why I think I may feel this visceral about it. I thought about my Arabic heritage and if this may be an outward manifestation with my lack of actual knowledge/connection to those roots. Then, I thought of what this music also reflects other than direct genes/lineage. It speaks of a culture I think I very much long for & crave. A simple culture; a culture of intimate relationships with one another (human beings) but also with nature and animals. A culture of movement and true oneness and connection.
This is a very deep realization for me. I think there is a lot to this. Lots of inner meaning to explore – connections to early humans, simple life, rough-rugged mountains, chanting, tribal connections, etc.
What if I follow these feelings? They may lead to dreams, which may lead to more revelations and a more clear path for me. Let me begin by connecting this to my food & Geneen Roth work. She suggested that “if you follow the love that you have for something you truly find beautiful & thus love, all the way to its end – if you start with the thing you find most beautiful & trace its perfume back to its essence, you will perceive an intangible presence, a swath of stillness that allows the thing you love to be visible like the openness of the sky reveals the presence of the moon.” This made me think of the things I truly love.
Here’s my list: hiking in the woods; watching a sunrise or sunset; looking down on views from a mountain top; Broadway shows; international, tribal music; massages; big, fresh, organic salads; scents of all sorts – all fragrances emitting from things around us; looking at old photographs from my family’s past; movies in the theater; John Cusack; George Clooney; roller coasters; laughing; the sounds of kids laughing; listening to music from my past; sweating; great conversation; playing games; looking at colorful, abstract art; reading a great book; the feeling after an intense run; pizza; ice cream; truly connecting with another human being; drums.
Wow! By no means is that list even remotely complete and I can’t believe how many things – simple things – really & honestly make me happy and bring me joy. Geneen says to follow these things to find my way, my path, my light. I’ll continue to add to my list and explore some of these things in more depth in future entries.
I’m going back to the music connection thing from earlier in this entry. How fuckin’ ironic would it be if the depth of my soul was inside the parts of me most “fucked up” – my issues pertaining to Dad, his family, my relationships with both, etc. – which is pretty much where all of my “unresolved” issues reside! Fuckin’ perfect!
Actually, this probably makes perfect sense. The core of who I think I am is strongly made up of ways of living/thinking which are practically impossible to follow in today’s world. Generations have passed of individuals trying to cope with this massive cognitive dissonance and disconnection between who they are & how they are forced to live. I’m the product of that angst – that unresolved conflict. Each generation is going to have an exponentially more difficult time figuring this out – i.e. coping. As life – especially here in the U.S. – moves further & further away from man’s nomadic, tribal beginnings, the dissonance inversely rises. I think it is reaching its peak. What will happen when we, as a species, get to this peak? Perhaps, evolution?! Awesome to ponder…
Had another profound thought…I think many humans in 2010 in the U.S. are simply blown away when trying to imagine a world of 200 years ago let alone 2000+ yrs ago. ‘How bored we would all be.’ I’m sure is the most common agreed-upon belief people of 2010 are apt to share. Yet, as I sit and listen to this fabulous group – Etran Finatawa – I think that when defining “boredom” specifically, as lack of newness, one could never get bored in a culture of art. Especially, in a culture of music, chanting, & artistic expressions such as rock art, sculptures, bead work, etc. Every single creation is a brand new, unique creation. There are infinite possibilities of combining sounds in music – an infinite number of combinations. By definition, nothing is ever duplicated or exactly the same providing for constant streams of novel sights and sounds.
In today’s world, however, significant segments and aspects of our society idealize & worship sameness and exact duplication. All, ironically, under the auspices of creating lots of “choices”, thus preventing boredom! I would argue that at our core right now, especially as an American society, we feel something the outside world tells us we shouldn’t be feeling – bored!! Outside world says, ‘how can you be bored?’ ‘Look at commerce around you.’ ‘Look at capitalism & globalization and all they afford you to enrich your life?’ And our insides are SCREAMING back, ‘Yes! We are fuckin’ bored!’
We value strip malls that look alike whether you are in Texas or Florida! We can go to a place like Chili’s and know that our meal will be the exact same at the Chili’s in Australia as it is in the Chili’s in New York! Seriously?! Our insides scream … ‘How can we desire and demand this shit?’ This is boredom at its worst. We want everything the same. Women must all be thin; men must all be ripped; things we own must surround us; same big homes; same boats, cars, toys. We push away those who seem different. We shun uniqueness and different folks when that is what we truly want!!
Beauty…connections…uniqueness…the miracle that is the infinite combinations of art & emotions & physical expressions in this world and the complete irony that we value the false miracle of technology and the toys and things in which it manifests itself surrounding us masquerading as beauty and “rich”.
What’s more powerful, rich, valuable, and beautiful than a unique creation and being part of that creation and the realization that nothing exactly like it will ever be duplicated? You would want that feeling every day, all day, and THAT would be a rich, successful, happy life. Yet…what we strive for in this country is the complete opposite.
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From Alyson’s Journal
August 21, 2010
My self-imposed multi-day therapy session continues today. It will also, sadly, end today as I expect my mom to return home anytime now. What a perfect day – cloudy & rainy – I love the light sound of rain – it suits my contemplative mode I’m in at present.
So many odd, interesting, very warm feelings I’ve had over these past few days alone. Lots of reminiscing memories and emotions – which shouldn’t be too surprising given the situation I find myself in. Back at home after 16 years, in a mid-life transition, processing where I’ve been and where I’m going. Thoughts of my young life here in MI are not at all surprising.
The level of warmth I’m finding I have as a result of afore-mentioned thoughts, however, I am finding surprising. My memories are, for the most part, very warm. And meditating while fasting is exacerbating everything. Everything feels intense, deep, and “good” even if it was labeled as a “bad” memory. Very strangely contradictory to what I’d generally expect of this experience. Ahhh…as if I need to continuously be reminded of this – wait…I do – if I begin to have fewer expectations from life & those who exist within it, perhaps, I wouldn’t live through quite as much drama as I seem to attract.
Let’s take right now as a random example of some of the memories going through my mind. I’m thinking of days when I used to watch all the neighborhood boys play – Ryan & Jeff, the Dankerts, Jim Friggie, Joe Charnley, Dave McKara, etc. I hear a basketball outside and my thoughts immediately go to what I described above.
I’m thinking of that lingering somber mood in the air all around MI as the remaining days of summer – i.e. time outside of school – quickly pass by. If possible, seemingly more quickly than the rest of the summer had passed. And now the dreaded first day of school fast approaches. That feeling is so distinct. I catch wind of it and I am immediately taken back to these times of my adolescence.
….I am ready for the first time in my adult life, since age 19, to allow myself to explore love. Real love. And to feel “normal” levels of anxiety and vulnerability but not immobilizing levels of these things as I have since the departure of the most important person in my life from my childhood. One of only two people, who to this day, truly knew all I could be and loved & supported me in every way they could. This is my time to get real closure on him…my unrequited 1st love.
….I really believe Adult Alyson is finally in control of Adult Alyson. As opposed to Child Alyson – tired & drained Child Alyson – still leading my insides. This changing of the guard is proving to be immensely relieving – a TON of weight off of my shoulders. And…an intense desire to LIVE is replacing all that bull shit that used to reside throughout me. I almost feel the pull of Seattle. But…I need to slow down, stay calm, and continue to take my life in half-day increments. Don’t get cocky…that is when you lose focus. Day-by-day…and all I need to be sure I do is to continue to give myself this outlet for my thoughts. I’d like to add painting to my repertoire of coping activities, but for now, journaling is doing more for me than ever before in my life.
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From Alyson’s Journal
August 19, 2010
Wow! It all just hit me. I had a nice long conversation (in the mirror) with child Alyson. Child Alyson, you see, has finally gotten my 100% attention. She has made me binge eat the past 4 days in a row and as a consequence probably gain another 5 lbs. She has blown my face up with zits & blemishes and she has caused me to gouge out nearly a 1/2 dozen “cuts” on my arms. I look like I’ve been in a combat zone with teenagers! This is truly a peak of embarrassment – as it should be!
I’ve been letting “The Voice” rule my life for the past 10+ years! The Voice has continuously put child Alyson on the defense and in war mode. Child Alyson has built so many walls around Adult Alyson that Adult Alyson has felt trapped in for years. Child Alyson built walls for this purpose. Because once they were high enough to prevent escaping, then child Alyson could have me all to herself. No outside distractions like boyfriends or careers to worry Adult Alyson with – all she had was her adult outward appearance & ALL her internal “shit”!
Those walls enclosed me & the shit has been bouncing off of them and aiming for me for years. I must still have some b-ball quickness to me because by some miracle I’ve managed to avoid being hit by too many of child Alyson’s shits. When I have my mini 1-3 day “bouts”, I clean up the metaphorical shit and move on. But now…nothing on the outside…no job even to help me busy myself & dodge all that shit. Just as soon as all the obstacles were removed – I mean from day fuckin’ 1 in Michigan – child Alyson got me! Of course, with great assistance from the Voice.
Child Alyson knows Adult Alyson. Shit…she knew Adult Alyson wouldn’t last a month without going and getting a job to start distracting herself again. Child Alyson had to act fast. So…I didn’t lose that Japan weight. In fact, just as soon as it would begin to come off, it would come right back on. And I don’t give a flying fuck that I’m getting older – ain’t no way I could shed the extra weight in a matter of days just 2 months ago and that ability disappears or changes that quickly – no way! Child Alyson was at full throttle with her shit attack. Then, as if that wasn’t enough, my scars on my arms were almost healed and pick, pick, pick.
So Adult Alyson finds herself smack dab in the worst physical shape – appearance on all levels – ever! No more denying. No more lying to herself. No more distractions! I hear you! I see you child Alyson! And you can start taking down these walls. Your defensive job was hard fought – 16 years beyond your duties. And you won! You didn’t let me kill myself – that is victory! And now my war with the Voice is my war. Adult Alyson has got it – I tag team you off duty. War has begun for me and I will not stop until it is won!
Fasting will allow for weight loss and cleansing in preparation for the best eating of my life. I will go to OA meetings daily for awhile and then weekly, for at least some part of me belongs there for my time here in MI. I will write that letter to Dad and get it mailed. I will think if there is anyone else I need to speak to in order to have closure. I will stop picking myself. I will exercise daily. I will look for a therapist to help guide me. And most importantly, I will try to be quiet with myself. When I’m quiet, I’m calm, I feel more creative, my depth of thought is increased (not sure how that is possible), my confidence rises, and my inhibitions are lowered. The key is slowing down & being quiet.
This had to happen this way. I needed the house to myself. Now I can talk to myself, sleep, read, vent, yell, cry, scream, laugh, and do anything else I need to do to finally get on my adult journey. If I had lost weight, I’d be up north right now, allowing myself to continue to distract my attention away from dealing with all of this once and for all. Now, I can finally say that I get it – I really get it.
Outside appearance does matter in the sense that it reflects our insides at any given time! Look at my outside right now! It is an absolute reflection of how I feel on the inside! I should be upset and embarrassed and sad. The Voice is winning! Child Alyson had to team up with the Voice in order to make me finally see that the Voice is killing me – my spirit, my energy, me!!! I want me back! I want the happy Alyson back. The last time she was even remotely present was in 1999 – and she was almost gone then! That’s a long fucking time! 11+ years – that is bull shit!
It’s over – I’m getting me back beginning tomorrow – today – NOW! It won’t happen overnight. but I will make significant progress in a couple of weeks and my goal is that by my 35th birthday – December 9th – I will be ready to move entirely onto my adult Alyson journey. I’ve been walking on both paths for way too long. Child path & young adult paths are long done – the pavement ended for both of these years ago. I’ve been on rough gravel roads ever since. Those paths are done by my birthday!
I will be journaling every day – even if its just a paragraph. I need to have all hands on deck to fight this Voice and re-load my weaponry. Fasting, exercise, meetings, therapy, journaling, time off, family help, and quiet.
All hands on deck! This is your General speaking – Adult Alyson. You are all ordered to unload on the Voice whenever it speaks. And on rare occasions when it’s quiet, you will have individual instructions on how to proceed. It’s going to be a rough next two weeks but with a concentrated effort and tremendous teamwork, we’ll have this war 50% won by September. Go Team!!
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