I didn’t begin to have true appreciation and love for the power of music until I began seeing performing arts shows regularly in Tampa. This was one thing my ex-husband and I loved to do together. We had season tickets to Tampa’s impressive Performing Arts Center for 7 years. I saw EVERY show that came to town for 7 years and fell in love with all of it! I had always been drawn to films, but the live nature of the shows blew me away. It was then, 1997, that I began dreaming of being able to do anything like that … to any degree.
One of the things I feel so privileged to have been a part of is the watching of my youngest brother become a more confident, talented musician in the early 2000s. He had taken the better part of a year and dedicated it to his musical development and anyone paying attention could see, hear, and feel how gifted he was. At the time, my husband operated the IMAX theater and associated lounging area at the local science museum in Tampa. This was a perfect opportunity for Drew to come up from Sarasota and perform. It was new & small, but every week, there were at least a half dozen people present. They were there to socialize with one another more so than to hear the live music, but it didn’t matter. He was doing it. He was singing and playing songs in public that he composed and wrote. And they were good. Really good. I was in the audience every week – the proudest older sister EVER!
I don’t know the first thing about singing. I do know that I have lived a great deal of my life vicariously through films, TV programs, books, and the lyrics of songs. Pathetic as that may sound, it is the truth. Without being aware of the fact that I did so, I shut my heart out to the connection I desired most after experiencing the worst heartache of my life at 19 years old. So, I sang my ass off to a ton of songs that expressed all that I was feeling at any given time in my life.
In my head, certain songs and scenes from films allowed me to have all of my dream interactions with those closest to me in my life. It was the only way I could truly & fully communicate, it seemed, with others. Because in “real” life, my honesty, my depth, my intensity… it always… ALWAYS hit one boundary or another in all of my relationships. The only way I knew how to be in the world – passionate to my core, endlessly curious, enthusiastic, idealistic, and intense – ended up, at some point, to be too much for everyone. Quite often, this lack of this immensely desired connection with someone else – ANYONE else – who wanted to live in the world like I did…it became too much for me. The only way I could cope with the loneliness, for years far beyond high school, was through media, such as films and music.
When I saw movies or heard songs that expressed exactly what I was feeling or depicted an experience very similar to what I was having, I felt those emotions to my core. I put myself in films in the role of the characters that most depicted me. I put myself in the voices singing lyrics that expressed living intensely. I didn’t experience, save for my athletics, a world where people were living with the same intensity as me and that killed my spirit. I wasn’t exactly aware that this was going on. I only knew that in a world where I regularly felt completely isolated, I felt better when I could identify with some form of creative expression and mimic it. I was profoundly affected by the arts, in this very mainstream manner. Without feeling less alone through identification with all of these “fictitious” experiences, I would not have survived my adolescence. The number of times I sang this song could serve as proof.
In 1994, when “Stay” was on the radio, in my mind, I was singing it to one person and one person only. Practically every lyric rang true. I was leaving Michigan for Florida and at some level I knew I would never be back. I was also leaving the only person in my life at the time that I longed to make proud. He was my inspiration to be the best person possible and as such, meant the world to me. Staying wasn’t an option but I wasn’t sure if I could stand on my own. I never could have guessed that it would have taken me 18 1/2 years to do just that. But I’m here. Thank you to Lisa Loeb for writing the perfect song to express such a monumental part of my story. I’ve loved singing it for now, almost 20 years.
And…to the person to whom I sang this song in my mind all those years ago…you will always be my first true inspiration. Just by being you, you made me strive to be the best I could be. Thank you for the example that has remained at the center of my heart for over 20 years. Finally, I see the miracle of what we shared instead of all the pain of what we felt we couldn’t share. The miracle is simple … just love … unconditional love.
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Learn More
I have been laboring for months trying to find a way to explain what it is I am “doing”. While I continue to work to define this in such a way that is more comprehensible than at present, I am simultaneously sharing my story. I do have a plan, but I’m fairly certain that it is unlike any plan out there. For weeks, in my very Alyson-way, I’ve thought that if I brought any boundaries to it, the vision would suffer. I can’t help it; there are certain things about me that will never change.
If I feel boxed in – in any way – I look to escape. I see BIG pictures…HUGE! I aim as high as possible because I absolutely always believe that the “best” of something is obtainable. Should you fall short, giving your best effort, you are still kicking ass and more importantly…you gave your BEST effort. It is how I am wired – plain & simple.
Well, it has become clear that I do indeed require some sort of focus, organization, and discipline for all of this newfound energy & love. I have been wrestling with myself over whether or not this would water down the visionary ideas I am trying to live & exemplify. Not surprising at all, given my history of extremes. Believing everything has to be all or nothing. However, If I’ve done one general thing in the past 3 years it is to have matured by leaps & bounds. The resulting wisdom has allowed me glimpses of this foreign thing in my life called, balance. I’ve seen evidence of the extreme value in living a bit less on the edges. While I am nowhere near being completely balanced, (not yet convinced that is possible) I am more aware of where and how I’m not than ever before.
My work and my play lives are becoming one in the same for this upcoming period of my life. Now, more than ever, I need to be as balanced as possible. I can no longer deny the need to have a container for this vision to aid in that balancing effort. I’m close but not yet there. I’ve been ‘not yet there’ for the better part of two months. And just this week, the specific cause of my blocked creativity became evident to me.
I had reached my previous self-expression boundaries. The level of creativity that I desire and need to be able to express my vision right now far surpasses anything I’ve attempted to do up until this point in my life. Earlier this week, I recognized that I had to do something to break through that boundary and that the time for it was now.
It’s all about the energy flow through your body. Efficiency is greatly hindered by these blockages. And I am now more sensitive than ever before to things/people/energy in my life that reveal themselves to be potentially blocking. Red flags go up pretty quickly these days. Although awareness hadn’t been the problem, the ability to identify exactly what I needed to do was new. I was now certain that I was right there…it was right in front of me. I could honestly feel it…the Drano to my blockage. This week was the time to push through. Pushing through essentially means conquering whatever it is that you are afraid of that is preventing you from just moving the damn boundary by doing something new. So, I had to ask to myself…’what is my greatest fear regarding this situation?’
I am an entirely different breed of starving artist. The artist that I would argue is inside each and every one of us, has been dying to be expressed through me. The closest I’ve ever been is via athletics but I haven’t been training seriously for 6 years and that was all for the wrong reasons anyhow. Now, I’ve had glimpses. I get it! All I want to do is creatively express myself. I feel like my true spirit has been in hiding for the better part of 25 years. I want to figure out the most creative way to express it all. So, obviously, I need some time to come into balance in order to focus a bit more. And I think therein lies the solution to my “problem” of the past 2+ months.
An enormous part of my work right now, if not THE essence of what my work is for me personally…I am balancing out. My work is this process. What it has been. What it is. And what it is still to be. And I’ve been incredibly unbalanced for 30 years so believe me…this will be entertaining, educational, enlightening, and energetic, if nothing else. I don’t have anyone to impress. I don’t have anything to lose. I am single. I have no children. I own no real assets. I’ve never had a “career”. I own very little materially. And I carry only the debt I recently chose to incur to serve as an example of what I think we can all be (relative to our own lives) in our world at present. I am not kidding when I say that I feel I owe this to society. I owe this experiment. How can I not share? I’m not afraid any longer of what “they” tell us we need to fear. I will gladly stand tall and show anyone that cares to see it that we ALL can break free! All the ‘what abouts’ are absent from my brain. It is no longer about finding all the reasons why I shouldn’t do something. It is about finding all the reasons why I should & placing all my focus & energy there!
I am applying this historically over-achieving, type A, OCD, look-outside-of-myself-for-validation, personality to a life that is 100% what I make of it every day. I am my own boss. I have created the life of my dreams. I have done it! If I died tomorrow, I would have experienced everything I could have dreamed to have wanted from this life. Well…almost everything. My dreams have always been about others first with my personal desires always coming in at a distant second. That is where the biggest change in my life had to take place when I faced it all head-on three years ago. I had to have me first. I had to care about how I felt above anyone else in my life. I had to take care of myself first and foremost if I was going to be anywhere near the person I was capable of being in this life. And that, my friends, has been no easy journey.
So, the part of my dream to help others…wait until you see THAT part of the story. EVOLT is going to knock your socks off once I can explain it. Soon, seeing it will require no explanation. I haven’t yet given away millions but tens of thousands feels like millions when you value the dollar the way I have my entire life. Unbelievable those pay-it-forward stories will be. But the personal part of my dream…well, that is what I am discovering. I have never, until 2 years ago, put my life first in the “right” ways. I will explain in my books what I mean by that phrase. For now, suffice to say, I feel as if I am only now really discovering who I am and all I am capable of doing and being in this life.
I am going to share my story with anyone that is drawn to it. And the story is going to be told in an extremely unique manner. With words and books? Yes. I will be writing fiction & non-fiction. Public speaking engagements? Absolutely. Hopefully the first one will be in June in Plant City, FL. Showcasing of the talent I’ve scouted & invested in with my work? No doubt. Sharing the beautiful energy of the communities in which I live? You bet.
But here’s the most unique part. I will continue to blog regularly with present-day updates. This will be mixed in with me also singing my story. I will be dancing it too. I will it tell through films I’ve seen, books I’ve read, theater I’ve experienced. I will reference TV programs, youtube videos, news stories, and academic articles. I will paint, take pictures, and prepare food. And…there will be most definitely be music. Music, more than anything else, healed me. I am not sure I’ve ever been more excited than I am for the further discovery of myself through music. Nothing inspires or moves me more.
I am loving and I am living like never before. I have absolutely no idea what will come out of me. I am not embarrassed. I am not scared. I want only to inspire with my vision and with what is in my heart. If there is anyone else out there like me … someone who has been hiding from life for most of their years … someone who is aware of how alive they are on the inside but still terrified to begin to let it come out. Please use my example to just begin to let go somewhere…anywhere! Just let go a little bit and the rest will take care of itself. I promise you. This energy … the energy of love … once it sees a gap, it will take full advantage. You will get a taste of this freedom … of REAL control of yourself … and your entire world will change very quickly. Let your spirits soar…that is why we are here. To love and to have fun!!
Aly(son) – the athlete, the academic, AND the artist!
Learn More
This is the first time I’ve ever consciously taped myself singing. This recording, made last week, is completely unprofessional. I did a single take, as you will notice by the two, very clear lyrical mistakes I make. I used only my little hand-held tape recorder with the song playing through my speaker system in the background. Basically, my own little karaoke set-up.
It’s only been in the past two months that I’ve really begun to see what musical capabilities I possess. Right now I know that I LOVE to sing this song. It was even better when all the lyrics rang more true than they do today. I couldn’t have written a better theme song for my life when I finally came to my breaking point, 3 years ago.
Music has changed my world. I say to everyone, just sing! Let yourself sing! It isn’t that hard…listen here to me doing it. One year ago I never in my wildest dreams could have possibly guessed that it would EVER happen that I would be doing something like this! I don’t care how cheesy this appears. I don’t care how good or bad I sound. I am sharing because I’ve come alive through singing & dancing! I can’t NOT do it! And if I can do this, with not a single singing lesson EVER, than so can YOU!!!
Turn off the TV and start listening to music again. And just sing!
“Way Back Into Love” – Alyson’s life – July, 2010
Contributing Factors to Song Selection:
1) Drew Barrymore is bad ass!
2) I find Hugh Grant to be completely adorable. He stars in MANY of my favorite romantic comedies, including the film from which this song comes, Music & Lyrics.
3) The lyrics couldn’t be more perfect (both the male AND female portions) to describe where my life was in July, 2010 when I finally decided to change everything. And yes…I sing both parts because all of it applied and who the hell else was going to sing with me?!
4) It happens to be a song that has ranges I am able to “sing”.
5) I never tire of singing it! And I can’t imagine how beautiful the experience will be to someday sing with a partner. I envision that aspect, in particular, when I sing it now, rather than focusing on the lyrics as I did in the past. In this manner, I believe I am helping to create that reality of my future. And even if it never happens, my mind doesn’t know the difference. I sing it as if I’m on stage in front of millions. In “reality”, I’m just in my living room. It is the most freeing thing ever to let go & sing. Sing as if both no one & everyone can hear you I’m not at all embarrassed to show you how easy it is. And what I’m hoping to prove is that with practice AND the intense desire, I will get better. If I continue to want to sing as much as I want to sing now, there is no doubt my voice is only going to get better. I’m my own experiment.
This is dedicated to Jeff, Jon, Rob, Norinda, & the woman sitting next to me on the last day of the Krishna Das retreat weekend this past March in Orlando. These are five people who all, in very minor ways, indicated that I wasn’t too horrible with my singing. They gave me just enough validation to allow me to push through any fears I may have had lingering from my old story preventing me from doing this extremely freeing thing. Thank you to all of you. Singing moves me unlike anything from my previous life and I think there may be talent to allow to come through. But I’ve never known anything scarier thus far in my life than to put my thoughts, and now, my voice out into the public – wide open for opinion & judgment. When you release the fear and just focus on what you are desiring, the sense of freedom is unlike anything I can describe with words. This inspiring just one person to rock out in their bedroom tonight & have a similar experience far outweighs any potential embarrassment. Plus…I get to control whether or not I am embarrassed and I choose to not be so.
I know I’ve never been a singer. My brothers are the musicians; the artists. I was the student; the athlete. That was my story. Well, I want my story to expand. I want to be the athlete, the academic AND the artist! And If I am going to sing, I need to quickly move beyond the fear of everyone in my life potentially hearing it. Now…tonight…I am doing just that. With this – opening myself up to be completely vulnerable creatively by posting the first thing I’ve ever sang – I am free. Final test passed. It’s time to discover the artist within me screaming to get out. It’s time to sing and dance and to engage with life like never before. It is time for me to live!
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Learn More
For most of my life, I felt something was missing. A big something. A sense of greater knowing. A feeling of true belonging. An understanding of what it is I was here to do or be. Up until 2 1/2 years ago, I believed the answer was to be found outside of me. After all, everything in my world had conditioned me to buy into this myth. And while there was a bit of romance in the seeking, for the most part it was isolating, lonely, upsetting, and confusing. That is, until my seeking led me to the only place where any of us can find the answers to whatever the questions may be…within.
I don’t have all the answers. Not even close. There will forever and always be WAY more that I don’t know than I do know. I don’t proclaim to have found the one, “right” path. There is no such thing. All of our paths are “right”. Each and every one of them. And I am not on anyone’s side. What I have found to resonate as Truth for me falls under no single category or label. I am constantly adjusting my beliefs in light of new information and as a result of new experiences. Who I am expands & changes, quite literally, on a weekly, sometimes daily, basis. For all of these reasons and more I believe there is great value in my story. Why? Because it is super honest & genuine and always has been. Because it is a story (comprised of thousands of other stories) of massive variety and of extremities. And…because it is a story about love. Finding my way back to love.
Not by choice, but instead due mostly to personality, I have lived a life of complete extremes. All or nothing (and usually, it is ‘all’) in almost every area all the time – thinking, eating, exercise, communication, love, work, and play. Completely out of balance for the better part of 30 years with no awareness and certainly no understanding of why I was doing this to myself. At least, not until I stopped and gave myself the time and space to try to see & understand why I had become the person that I was at 34 1/2 years old. I made this decision not as part of some brilliant, organized, master plan but instead, out of desperation. I was desperate to change what had become my exhausting, mostly unhappy, story. And I was determined to do so before I relocated to Seattle two years ago.
I knew I was in search of something but I didn’t know what. And how in the hell could I know when I reached “it” if I couldn’t identify what “it” was? What I did know, for a personal fact, was that chasing some new achievement to bring me fulfillment and/or answers was no longer desirable. In fact, it never had been. Not at all. I realized it not only had to be a new approach, but it had to be radically new. In my life in 2010, I couldn’t have done anything more radical than what I did. I stopped working – completely. I decided to live off of & was prepared to deplete my savings. And…I consciously choose to go home to Michigan to live for the first time since age 18. It was time to stop running and face all that my life had become…head on.
I wasn’t setting out on a mission to blame anyone. I wasn’t seeking revenge. I wasn’t looking to be rescued. All I wanted was an understanding of who I was and why I was that way. How could I change if I wasn’t fully clear on what was driving my present day behaviors and decisions? How could I alter habits if I wasn’t even aware of them or how they were limiting me and continuing to damage me? My intent was only to heal myself in order to be the best person I was capable of being. Because I knew I was falling way short of that person and had been for far too long. Enough was enough.
Believe me when I tell you that this is a story of taking FULL responsibility for one’s own life. I didn’t know I had the power to change my own story. Without being aware of doing so, I had given away to everyone else the responsibility for my happiness. The silliest, most foolish thing in the world to do. But in our world and in the present paradigm, we have all been conditioned to do this in every area of our lives, so it’s an easy mistake to make. Now that I held the knowledge, however, that I indeed create my own reality, there was no way I could go on living at all in the same manner in which I had been.
I had taken control back of my own life but only with my perspective on everything having changed. As such, my entire life changed…dramatically. And it hasn’t stopped. I’ve experienced more change in the past 2 years than all the change combined together from my previous 15 years of life. But there is a new constant in the equation of my life. Now, there is only one person I hold responsible for my happiness and contentment in life…me. We are the only ones that create the happiness we desire in our lives. Nothing has been more challenging than to accept this universal fact & come face-to-face with all of my old, negative, life-limiting habits & belief patterns that were blocking my path to this highly sought after, elusive-for-most-of-my-life, prolonged happiness. I haven’t known more beauty or richness in life than I’ve experienced these past two years. I also haven’t known more pain.
Taking care of myself first – looking out for my emotions first ahead of everyone else’s – this was something brand new for me. Brand new. I had most definitely found what I was looking for – no doubt it. But I didn’t know what came next. Of course I didn’t know what came next!! I’ve never before made it this far! I can honestly say that I never even imagined what life would look like once I was no longer seeking. I didn’t believe life could ever be like it is for me today – EVER! Which is a BIG part of the reason it never happened. You gotta believe. And once I did, almost overnight (because I was so ready for the answer), the seeking stopped.
So what was next? What comes after you find what you are searching for? What happens when you have (for yourself) the answer to life’s biggest question, of “Why are you here”? It’s simple…you just live. Well…it’s getting to the point of being simple. En route to simple has been a part of the story for which there was no way to prepare. None. But I’ve broken free. Last test passed. I let go of the railing. I’ve untied my boat from the dock. I am completely out there … just living … with 100% trust in myself and the intuition that has guided me to unprecedented love & happiness in the past 2 1/2 years. It is terrifying!
It is also the most exhilarating, magnificent time of my life! For those interested, I cannot wait to share the journey. Because even better than living this myself is watching others awaken to the same possibilities for their own lives. I’m a teacher to my core. NOTHING makes me happier than seeing the light go on inside someone. Believe me…this is a light you are going to want to have turned on within you.
To be continued…
Learn More
Designed by Elegant Themes | Powered by Wordpress