From Alyson’s Journal
August 21, 2010
My self-imposed multi-day therapy session continues today. It will also, sadly, end today as I expect my mom to return home anytime now. What a perfect day – cloudy & rainy – I love the light sound of rain – it suits my contemplative mode I’m in at present.
So many odd, interesting, very warm feelings I’ve had over these past few days alone. Lots of reminiscing memories and emotions – which shouldn’t be too surprising given the situation I find myself in. Back at home after 16 years, in a mid-life transition, processing where I’ve been and where I’m going. Thoughts of my young life here in MI are not at all surprising.
The level of warmth I’m finding I have as a result of afore-mentioned thoughts, however, I am finding surprising. My memories are, for the most part, very warm. And meditating while fasting is exacerbating everything. Everything feels intense, deep, and “good” even if it was labeled as a “bad” memory. Very strangely contradictory to what I’d generally expect of this experience. Ahhh…as if I need to continuously be reminded of this – wait…I do – if I begin to have fewer expectations from life & those who exist within it, perhaps, I wouldn’t live through quite as much drama as I seem to attract.
Let’s take right now as a random example of some of the memories going through my mind. I’m thinking of days when I used to watch all the neighborhood boys play – Ryan & Jeff, the Dankerts, Jim Friggie, Joe Charnley, Dave McKara, etc. I hear a basketball outside and my thoughts immediately go to what I described above.
I’m thinking of that lingering somber mood in the air all around MI as the remaining days of summer – i.e. time outside of school – quickly pass by. If possible, seemingly more quickly than the rest of the summer had passed. And now the dreaded first day of school fast approaches. That feeling is so distinct. I catch wind of it and I am immediately taken back to these times of my adolescence.
….I am ready for the first time in my adult life, since age 19, to allow myself to explore love. Real love. And to feel “normal” levels of anxiety and vulnerability but not immobilizing levels of these things as I have since the departure of the most important person in my life from my childhood. One of only two people, who to this day, truly knew all I could be and loved & supported me in every way they could. This is my time to get real closure on him…my unrequited 1st love.
….I really believe Adult Alyson is finally in control of Adult Alyson. As opposed to Child Alyson – tired & drained Child Alyson – still leading my insides. This changing of the guard is proving to be immensely relieving – a TON of weight off of my shoulders. And…an intense desire to LIVE is replacing all that bull shit that used to reside throughout me. I almost feel the pull of Seattle. But…I need to slow down, stay calm, and continue to take my life in half-day increments. Don’t get cocky…that is when you lose focus. Day-by-day…and all I need to be sure I do is to continue to give myself this outlet for my thoughts. I’d like to add painting to my repertoire of coping activities, but for now, journaling is doing more for me than ever before in my life.
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