From Alyson’s Journal
August 19, 2010
Wow! It all just hit me. I had a nice long conversation (in the mirror) with child Alyson. Child Alyson, you see, has finally gotten my 100% attention. She has made me binge eat the past 4 days in a row and as a consequence probably gain another 5 lbs. She has blown my face up with zits & blemishes and she has caused me to gouge out nearly a 1/2 dozen “cuts” on my arms. I look like I’ve been in a combat zone with teenagers! This is truly a peak of embarrassment – as it should be!
I’ve been letting “The Voice” rule my life for the past 10+ years! The Voice has continuously put child Alyson on the defense and in war mode. Child Alyson has built so many walls around Adult Alyson that Adult Alyson has felt trapped in for years. Child Alyson built walls for this purpose. Because once they were high enough to prevent escaping, then child Alyson could have me all to herself. No outside distractions like boyfriends or careers to worry Adult Alyson with – all she had was her adult outward appearance & ALL her internal “shit”!
Those walls enclosed me & the shit has been bouncing off of them and aiming for me for years. I must still have some b-ball quickness to me because by some miracle I’ve managed to avoid being hit by too many of child Alyson’s shits. When I have my mini 1-3 day “bouts”, I clean up the metaphorical shit and move on. But now…nothing on the outside…no job even to help me busy myself & dodge all that shit. Just as soon as all the obstacles were removed – I mean from day fuckin’ 1 in Michigan – child Alyson got me! Of course, with great assistance from the Voice.
Child Alyson knows Adult Alyson. Shit…she knew Adult Alyson wouldn’t last a month without going and getting a job to start distracting herself again. Child Alyson had to act fast. So…I didn’t lose that Japan weight. In fact, just as soon as it would begin to come off, it would come right back on. And I don’t give a flying fuck that I’m getting older – ain’t no way I could shed the extra weight in a matter of days just 2 months ago and that ability disappears or changes that quickly – no way! Child Alyson was at full throttle with her shit attack. Then, as if that wasn’t enough, my scars on my arms were almost healed and pick, pick, pick.
So Adult Alyson finds herself smack dab in the worst physical shape – appearance on all levels – ever! No more denying. No more lying to herself. No more distractions! I hear you! I see you child Alyson! And you can start taking down these walls. Your defensive job was hard fought – 16 years beyond your duties. And you won! You didn’t let me kill myself – that is victory! And now my war with the Voice is my war. Adult Alyson has got it – I tag team you off duty. War has begun for me and I will not stop until it is won!
Fasting will allow for weight loss and cleansing in preparation for the best eating of my life. I will go to OA meetings daily for awhile and then weekly, for at least some part of me belongs there for my time here in MI. I will write that letter to Dad and get it mailed. I will think if there is anyone else I need to speak to in order to have closure. I will stop picking myself. I will exercise daily. I will look for a therapist to help guide me. And most importantly, I will try to be quiet with myself. When I’m quiet, I’m calm, I feel more creative, my depth of thought is increased (not sure how that is possible), my confidence rises, and my inhibitions are lowered. The key is slowing down & being quiet.
This had to happen this way. I needed the house to myself. Now I can talk to myself, sleep, read, vent, yell, cry, scream, laugh, and do anything else I need to do to finally get on my adult journey. If I had lost weight, I’d be up north right now, allowing myself to continue to distract my attention away from dealing with all of this once and for all. Now, I can finally say that I get it – I really get it.
Outside appearance does matter in the sense that it reflects our insides at any given time! Look at my outside right now! It is an absolute reflection of how I feel on the inside! I should be upset and embarrassed and sad. The Voice is winning! Child Alyson had to team up with the Voice in order to make me finally see that the Voice is killing me – my spirit, my energy, me!!! I want me back! I want the happy Alyson back. The last time she was even remotely present was in 1999 – and she was almost gone then! That’s a long fucking time! 11+ years – that is bull shit!
It’s over – I’m getting me back beginning tomorrow – today – NOW! It won’t happen overnight. but I will make significant progress in a couple of weeks and my goal is that by my 35th birthday – December 9th – I will be ready to move entirely onto my adult Alyson journey. I’ve been walking on both paths for way too long. Child path & young adult paths are long done – the pavement ended for both of these years ago. I’ve been on rough gravel roads ever since. Those paths are done by my birthday!
I will be journaling every day – even if its just a paragraph. I need to have all hands on deck to fight this Voice and re-load my weaponry. Fasting, exercise, meetings, therapy, journaling, time off, family help, and quiet.
All hands on deck! This is your General speaking – Adult Alyson. You are all ordered to unload on the Voice whenever it speaks. And on rare occasions when it’s quiet, you will have individual instructions on how to proceed. It’s going to be a rough next two weeks but with a concentrated effort and tremendous teamwork, we’ll have this war 50% won by September. Go Team!!
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