This is a word-for-word journal entry I wrote on the date above…August 16, 2010. Over the course of the next few months you will witness just how much I was being limited due to beliefs I held about myself – expressed below. The difference is going to be so incredibly stark that most will not believe it unless they actually see it. And seeing it is what I’ve begun to share this past week with the beginning of the musical expression. My personal transformation has been the key to proving to me just how quickly we can change this world through our people. I will speak more specifically about this in the upcoming weeks. And now…to my starting point…my lowest of lows…less than 3 years ago.
I’m sick. I’m very sick and I’m very scared and I don’t know what to do. This is the worst I’ve been. It’s an eating disorder but I’m scared of calling it a “disease” I can’t control. Mom is done with me – she tried and she tried multiple times but she isn’t trained for this – no one I know is trained to help me. Therefore, I eat and remain alone as I try desperately to pull myself out of this very deep, seemingly endless hole of misery.
Looking back, I’ve been an exercise bulimic for probably a good 7 years. I’ve had body image problems since 7th grade and my bingeing just began in Sarasota. I most definitely have a food/eating disorder. But is it an outward manifestation of something else? Can I ever get it under control? Is it a disease in and of itself?
I can’t waste my life anymore. I can’t do it! This is horrible, sad, and ridiculous. But…I also can’t move beyond. So again…I eat and wallow in my own self pity.
The only thing I can seem to do right is sleep. Remarkably, I am able to sleep at night and it would seem that I can trust myself while doing so. Actually, I can trust myself as long as I don’t eat. However, as soon as I put that first morsel in my mouth – especially when I feel this shitty – I lose control.
I’m ashamed of where I’m at in my life. I’m embarrassed and sad that I don’t have a family, a home, a career. That absolutely plays into this situation. I thought I was okay with where my journey has taken me but that couldn’t be further from the truth. And to add my physical appearance on top of this impressive lack of “grown-upness”…well, I think it’s just too much.
What set me off? Let’s see…it would seem that over-eating vegetables & salad caused me to gain weight. I was working out, on average, 3 hours a day – HARD for at least 2 hours – and barely eating what I was burning off and still managed to gain. That has NEVER happened! Just 2 months ago, I lost excess weight by running/walking for 2 1/2-3 hours a day and eating less – exactly what I’ve done since being home. Here…I get fatter? It doesn’t make any sense! All I freakin’ needed was to get below 120 lbs and that would have helped my mental state a ton! Instead, the exact opposite took place…I gained…I binge…I feel horribly guilty…I isolate…I freak out…and I am back to where I was a year ago – no fuckin’ progress at all! And I’m another year older and have prevented myself from enjoying a number of things over this past year because of this bull shit! I’m tired of it! I’m tired! I want it to stop!
God help me. God please help me. I’m eating, I’m picking at myself, I’m doing nothing with my life, and I’m miserable! Please help me! I don’t want medication – I can’t afford medication – but do I need it? I just don’t know who or what to trust.
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