April 3, 2010 will forever mark the date when I began to consciously live my life in full awareness of the spiritual guidance that surrounds us all in the universe. I was brand new to this awakened, conscious living, but looking back now, I knew that night, at an instinctual level, that I had found the answer I had been seeking since I was 6. I also sensed I was going to be a quick learner of this new Game. At a pure intuitive level, I knew that I had stumbled upon something quite literally, miraculous.
I don’t care how this sounds to anyone else. I don’t care what this “looks” like to anyone else. The task at hand – the one that has had me stumped for 3 weeks – is now ready to be completed. That is the revealing of what I’ve been working on since mid-October when I made the decision to NOT return to a job I truly enjoyed at Microsoft. I’ve been dumbfounded for 3 weeks on how to proceed – on how to announce all of these ideas & attempt to explain all that is already in motion. In my efforts, I got stuck in the old paradigm. I was waist deep (knees to most others) in it – thinking of every single negative judgement, criticism, opinion, or comment that could be thrown my way once I made public all these radical ideas in my mind.
In addition to breaking the golden rule of taking care of myself, I also broke rule #2…always be aware of your focus. I lost sight of the fact that I was focusing on all the wrong things. Worrying about how this appears to anyone lessens my 100% belief in what I am doing. If I try to convince or sway, I am not trusting. If I am not trusting, than I am not believing. And if I am not believing then I am giving less than 100% positive energy to the idea(s). As I’ve mentioned many times already, in this new Game, it is all about the energy. Part of what I believe I am meant to demonstrate is the significant, observable difference it makes to focus so intently on the positive.
Exactly 3 weeks ago, I was stopped dead in my positive path of 100% belief in my on-the-fringe ideas. I had to find my way back to standing tall & confident in the example that I am choosing to live. I had to believe that I was going to be strong enough to continue in my pursuit, trusting only my belief, if necessary, once I exposed myself at this next level. I was sure to gain some fans upon the unveiling. But I was also sure to lose some. I needed to be okay with possibly losing some, if only temporarily. This isn’t the first pause of its kind on this journey of mine. In fact, these pauses have been more frequent these past 5 weeks and you will soon read why this has been the case. Regardless, these necessary respites result in a seemingly slowed progress. I’ve cautiously & confidently worked my way out of the muck & am feeling less & less stuck as each hour passes now.
As I think I discovered yesterday, it turns out that I was stuck for entirely different reasons than I thought. I didn’t know that I needed to come back to this part of my story. Not until yesterday morning. It all seems so obvious now. Of course I needed to come back to the foundation of all that I am today. That foundation was laid on 4/3/10. When you ask what could possibly have motivated me and inspired me to ALL of these ideas about which you are to learn, you will now know the answer I found for myself just this week.
I can see clearly now that the seeds for many of these ideas were planted long ago in my past. Providing the perfect growing environment for these ideas, however, has only been possible due to what happened that Saturday night 3 years ago. What my reality has become today has only been imaginable because of what was opened up within me that night. How do I know? Within days of this experience, I made the most important decision of my life.
I gave myself one year. I had been researching the idea of going to China to teach before moving to Seattle. After this life-changing night, though, I was able to see that this was just one more example of me planning to run away. No matter where you go, you take you with you. Thankfully, I made this realization and decided that yet another achievement was not what I needed. I was still allowing myself to take, in June, my first international trip (to Japan) in 12 years but I knew what my next year needed to be. I saw the opportunities I needed to take advantage of at this exact time in my life and I consciously chose to do so.
I decided that beginning, “officially” on July 1, 2010, I would gift myself a full year away from the “real” world – i.e. having no “regular” employment. I could never have predicted what happened throughout that year and how my life would change. Never! I had no conscious awareness of what I now realize, in retrospect, it was that I was really giving myself permission to do.
For the first time in my life, I was claiming my life. I was taking control of the only thing over which I have control in this world…myself. I was ready for the powerful, universal Truth available to us all as soon as we are open to seeing it…that we are creating our own realities. We have much greater power over our lives than most are able to acknowledge because we are too busy looking to others outside of us to blame. If only this person or that person would live their lives differently, than I could be happy. This, I finally saw, is a futile effort. Taking full responsibility for your own life…THAT is the solution I was ready to test.
I had thus far focused my entire life outside of myself. I had been living so long to first appease others that it would take years for me to find my way back to myself. I didn’t really know myself. I was very lost in my own, highly negative mind. I couldn’t trust anything within me because at some level I knew I didn’t really know what the hell I wanted from my life. It seemed easier to look to the world outside of me for solutions. Except it wasn’t working. As I watched the years of my life go by more quickly, this approach only grew more tiresome & caused more anger at perceived injustices. I was moving closer to the dark than to the light. Until this hugely spiritual experience revealed to me a different road.
Through that experience, I was somehow able to admit & accept the harsh truth – that no one else could heal me but me. No one else was responsible for my happiness but me. Living my old approach had done significant damage – namely, in the creation of very negative belief patterns. I knew I had to heal. And as I prepared to begin a brand new life in Seattle, I wanted to arrive there as healthy as possible. So I promised myself a full 12 months. I gave myself permission to do things unheard of in my life before. Specifically, the following:
1) To not hold a “regular” job for the first time since age 13. 2) To return home to MI…knowingly, to the hornet’s nest of EVERYTHING. Accepting that this is exactly where I needed to go to heal myself, no matter how painful I knew parts of the journey would be. 3) To deplete my roughly $10,000 in savings (while living, thankfully, for free at my mom’s home). This money, I decided, I could use for anything, within reason, to heal. Given my ridiculously frugal past and my complete inability to take proper care of myself (at this time) I knew I could trust myself with this open-ended range of spending. Last, but certainly not least, #4.
The 4th unprecedented thing I resolved to do if necessary… I would go into debt for the first time in my life. It was time that I placed the proper value on my mental, emotional, and physical well being. WHATEVER it took, I was determined to move to Seattle with as little negative baggage from my past as possible. Nothing was more important than my happiness, which is now synonymous with my health. The moment of this decision, April, 2010 was in fact my rebirth in this life. I was no longer afraid of all the things that had prevented me from doing this decades earlier. I could no longer feel so miserable & allow fear to control my life. Like never before I knew this was not how the world was supposed to be. But in order to try to offer solutions to all the problems upon which I had been focused, I finally accepted that I needed to first take care of myself – at any cost.
I knew I was a born leader and was ready, after too many years, to return to a life allowing me to fully engage in this natural role. I also was aware that due to decades of unconscious, self-imposed deprivation, I had a reserve of love to share that would be hard to match in its sheer volume & magnitude. Yet, I wouldn’t be able to hear, see, or feel how I was meant to share this love until I was healed. I didn’t know exactly how this healing would take place and I fought it for months upon my arrival in Michigan. But there was no going back. I was doing this. I got the taste of real, lasting happiness for the first time on 4/3/10 & knew I could make that my new reality once I made peace with all the darkness of my past.
There was one thing I vowed with every ounce of my being that I would not fight. Knowing how difficult it would be to follow through on, if needed, I promised myself again that I would go into debt without judging myself & without worry. I was worth nothing close to my value to anyone else until I was worth something to myself.
I needed to discover my own worth and it began with learning how to love. I had to learn how to love me and the first step turned out to be giving myself permission to do whatever it took to find & follow this love. I have continued to do just that and so as I prepare to unveil it all, it was appropriate to share when this shift took place. The shift from fear to love that began on 4/3/10 & has inspired & guided me to today.
Next…EVOLT is Planted
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