Seeing as this particular dream of mine is centered around money you may or may not be wondering how I have been supporting myself and my company since the ceasing of “regular” Microsoft income (read employed) on July 25, 2012. Very good question indeed.
The one financial advantage I possess that has turned out to be the absolute difference in everything is my credit record. I have exceptional credit. And I was raised by a brilliant, accountant father. This would prove to be the perfect combination for my transition from old paradigm to new paradigm, which began almost 3 years ago, while living in Sarasota, FL.
Saturday, April 3, 2010 – approximately 11:30 in the evening. I had just completed my normal week – 75-80 hours of work (operating my own company, full-time on the farm, and volunteer coordinating for athletic races). A work week that culminated with back-to-back 15+ hour days on Friday & Saturday. By this time on Saturdays, I was generally a bit tired & sleep came easily & immediately once I hit the pillow. However, on this particular night, which happened to coincidentally be the night before the Christian Easter holiday, I was jolted out of bed. Approximately 15 minutes later, I was brought to my knees – literally – for the first time in my life.
I was led to a book. I opened to April 3rd & upon reading the first sentence, it was instantaneous. The entire room filled with the most powerful, energetic, emotional, intensely beautiful thing causing the beginning of what could only be described as a “religious experience”. Ironically, I was adamant at this point in my life about my lack of affiliation with any religion – especially the one of my past, Catholicism. Yet, right there…right at that moment…I believed I had to be in the midst of what religious people identified as a “religious experience”. What else could it be?
‘This must be the same thing’, I thought, for that was the only frame of reference my mind was able to grasp in order to help me try to comprehend what was happening. All I knew was that this was the most spiritual experience of my life. I knew something was taking place way beyond what our limited, 5 senses allow us to be able to define. My world was never going to be the same and at some level, I knew it.
The reaction to fall to my knees was automatic – truly beyond my control. And the phrase that was coming out of my mouth was also unbelievably automatic. All I could say for minutes was, ‘Oh my God!’ ‘Oh my God!’ ‘OH MY GOD!!!’ There was quite simply no other way to react. The feeling was overwhelming & it was entirely positive. It was peaceful & happy. I had never felt this magnitude of either of those emotions on their own, let alone both of them together…at once. It just … was. I wanted that feeling to last as long as possible. So I continued to sit on the cold floor & feel “It”.
Within minutes I found myself lighting candles & incense and sitting cross-legged on a pillow. I was preparing to meditate for the first time ever. I had no clue what to do. I closed my eyes. And for 45 minutes, in absolute silence…I sat. I just sat. Me and this astounding energetic presence engulfing me. It was incredible. It was beautiful. It was calming. It was peaceful. It was inspiring. And it changed my life forever.
When I came out of it…this meditation…the first conscious thought I had was the question. You know which one…the big one… ‘Do you believe?’ ‘Do you believe in God or in a force greater than us?’ ‘Yes or no?’ It wasn’t as if this particular question had been consciously burning in my mind, but given the circumstances, I suppose it makes complete sense why this, of all questions, would come to the forefront at this moment. Looking back now, I know having this specific thought was absolutely not accidental. I know exactly why that question.
That question was the only real question I had been trying to answer for decades. I couldn’t clearly see this fact at the time, but that is what my entire life had been in pursuit of…the answer to that question. Of course it is logical to believe that immediately after an intensely spiritual/religious experience, you would be posed with the question for which you most desire the answer. In fact, some would argue – including this someone – that one’s intense desire for an answer is absolutely what summons a particular experience that can provide this desired answer. I was reaching a critical point in my life where I very much needed an answer to the only real question that mattered to me. Up until that night, I still did not have one.
I knew I didn’t believe in the hypocrisy that organized religion had become, but I knew that the question could be answered from my non-religious perspective. You can absolutely be spiritual without having to be religious. I knew that I already believed this question to be beyond religion. This was very much a universal, spiritual question. Regardless, though, I truly did not know whether or not I believed.
I wanted to believe. I wanted so badly to believe. But I had a very difficult time looking at the ugliness in our world, in our country, and in my own life and believing there was a God. All I was doing at this point in my life was living my very negative belief patterns – habitually, with very little awareness of what existed outside of my mind. In other words, I was a hell of a lot closer to answering ‘no’ than answering ‘yes’.
I knew that answering ‘no’ was synonymous with hopelessness. But I couldn’t help it. That emotion described me more than anything else at this time in my life – hopeless – about pretty much everything. And for the first time since high school it was becoming increasingly difficult to justify to continue living in so much pain. Truth be told, I couldn’t even comprehend what answering ‘yes’ looked like. I was simply holding onto any reason to not slip down into the definite ‘no’ category. I was still undecided. Barely, but technically I was still undecided. That is, until this day in April. Finally…exactly when I needed it most…I had an answer. A VERY clear answer to this all-important question of belief in something greater than us existing.
When posed with the question at the conclusion of my “experience”, my answer, without hesitation, was most certainly ‘yes’! Not only that, but it was a ‘yes’ that I knew would never, ever turn to a ‘no’. I try to never say ‘never’ and yet somehow I feel 100% confident in claiming that I will never ‘not believe’ or ‘not know’ again. I can’t go back to what was before. I realize now that it was my inability to answer this question that had truly been the root of all my pain.
There was still to be a LOT of pain felt between 4/3/10 & the present day, but the nature of my journey shifted completely that night. Completely. I believed! I absolutely believed! In fact, I couldn’t believe that I actually was feeling this absolute certainty in my belief. I was definitely not yet comfortable to call this feeling ‘God’ but I knew it. I knew it! My answer was ‘yes’! 100% yes! And nothing has been the same since.
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