Dear Universe,
I realize … now, more than ever … that I cannot bullshit you. You will provide for me evidence in my life (i.e. what my reality unfolds to be every day) of EXACTLY what I am vibrating out into the world energetically … what I am vibin’ out to the depths of my soul. Which, of course, includes things of which I am aware & conscious, things that I’m trying to see…trying to align…but also things that I truly thought were ‘resolved’ that aren’t AND things that I didn’t even knew existed down there in my depths.
I promise … my intention … finally … is to be balanced. I no longer desire the absolute toughest of challenges – taken on, for my entire life, because of my very deep need to prove. Prove what to whom? Pretty much everything to everyone. But I promise you…I am REALLY done with that desire. Please. Please hear me.
Life…experiences…relationships…those are truly the only ways for learning & growth to take place. For inconsistencies and hypocrisies to be identified. By living…by getting off the couch (metaphorically & literally) and LIVING! But hold on…because once your mis-alignments are identified … whoa … THAT is when the REAL work begins. Having your REAL beliefs revealed to you and then being faced with a choice that ONLY YOU can make – ‘Do you want to take the responsibility and own & maintain this belief as your own now … now that you are aware?’ Or…’Would you like to cease holding this belief-of-someone-else for yourself?’
And if the answer is the latter? Get ready for another wave of super challenging ‘work’. Breaking patterns/habits/addictions of thoughts and actions … NOTHING has been more difficult to overcome than the various momentums of energy of these patterns – unseen but more ‘real’ than anything my five senses can manage to comprehend. This has been an entirely new arena of ‘work’.
‘Work’ unlike any other I’ve done in my life … and I’ve done every type of ‘work’ there is – from 100% entrepreneurial to partnerships to corporate to educational to non-profit – to agriculture – to events – to ‘nothing’. And let me tell you … ‘nothing’ has been the most challenging ‘job’ of all! Because it is anything but ‘nothing’ to learn how to stand tall by discovering who you really are and in doing so, defend your beliefs by living them AND to work to break insanely ingrained patterns of beliefs that were never ones you consciously chose to have as your own. I’ve been ‘working’ as hard as I’ve ever worked in my life for the past 18 months. And the only ‘earning’ I’ve done (via my own ‘work’ with my company) is the increased strength of my belief and faith. My trust in ALL that is but most specifically, in the knowing that this ‘work’ is going to ‘pay’ me WAY more than I could ever put a dollar amount on. For indeed … it already has.
I know how easy life is meant to be. I know how miraculous it is in the flow and without resistance. Intellectually, I feel as if I always know what to do now – go with the flow and don’t worry. Trust and believe. Yet…these patterns…these very, VERY, VERY deep emotionally damaging patterns (and associated behavioral patterns) in a society rooted in VERY deep, cultural patterns are THE toughest obstacles yet. Breaking them or rather building new patterns surrounding a 100% shift in my personal foundational beliefs…I couldn’t have written a more drastic example…a more intense combination of factors. I promise you universe…I no longer long for such extremes.
Please guide me in making this enormous life transition as ‘easy’ as possible. Please help me let go … I just want to let go of all that is no longer serving me. Please. I just want to play my game. And I’m ready now. I am ready to let go of the little girl once and for all. I am ready to be the amazing, brilliant woman that I now know myself to be. Please help me connect to your infinite support and love that is always within my heart. I’ve gotten a little turned around on my journey here and just need the vaguest of a guide map to help me see the Light again.
I’ve never experienced a wilder ride … never than what this 100% conscious journey has been these past 4 months. My spiritual, mature woman-self seemingly loses all control of the emotionally-damaged, lonely, fiercely independent, young girl in survival mode that I SWEAR I am no longer intending to be on any level. But… she keeps getting triggered with completely unexpected things because these unexpected things are BRAND NEW!!! There is no way I could have ever predicted any part of this. That this is where I would go as I fall in love for the first time as a conscious, aware, adult woman. Experiencing love … COMPLETE love for the first time … has triggered some of the most intense pain from my past that I honestly believed was resolved. Clearly, this is not the case.
I never witnessed anyone staying through a rough spot in a relationship…not directly. In my world, people ran. People blamed. People didn’t take responsibility and own their part of what was taking place. They either ran and kept everything inside so that you NEVER knew what was really going on within them and/or they yelled and became overly emotional. I NEVER witnessed a healthy resolution to any argument, let alone a difference of opinion, or God-forbid, an unintentional hurtful transaction. NEVER.
I am doing the absolute best I can. And truth be told…it is, in and of itself, a miracle that I am doing as well as I am. Because only I know ALL the insane details of my life right now…who I’ve been…what I’ve lived…where I am now…where I believe I am going…no one knows me like me. And so I am the ONLY one that can validate what I am feeling on all of these levels. And I am the only one that needs to validate how I feel to myself. He doesn’t have to. No one else does. The higher power is within me. You, Universe…you are inside of me and that is really all I ever need. All the rest … quite simply … are wants. And that is a four-letter word in my upbringing … I’ve never believed I had the right to want anything…least of all an unconditionally-loving relationship.
The only want I really care about is how we relate to one another as humans. I want to be able to be as real, as honest, as trustworthy, as responsible, as idealistic, as visionary, as caring, as creative, as thoughtful, as generous, and as loving as I am … as I have ALWAYS been … without having to feel the need to explain or justify. I just want to be…without judgement…without constrictions…with the Trust that when left to our free will, our spirits will always draw us to doing what is ‘best’ for the ‘greater good’ because the ‘greater good’…the One…is what we all are. This is what I believe for my life…the only life over which I have control. And I cannot NOT align to this belief. There is no going back once you remember … once you KNOW.
But the recent road to actually being able to LIVE this knowing has translated into a wild ride. I intended to be done with the roller coasters. I proclaimed my desire for dancing with life. But a roller coaster unlike any other was irresistible for my ego these past few months and now, it has drastically affected not only me but him as well. On the surface, most definitely appearing as my issues but it is never that black and white. There is WAY more going on than what appears on the ‘surface’ in our world and by extension, all the experiences and interactions taking place in our world. WAY, WAY more that our senses cannot sense and our minds cannot comprehend.
Please help me break the most damaging pattern of all – accepting ALL the responsibility for the energy of a situation. No matter what … no matter WHAT … there are always many, many energies at play. Please help me accept what is ‘mine’, see the huge lessons being revealed to me, guide me in learning them as quickly as possible, and help him do the same.
Please help me remember that I do not need to vocalize this – that I can simply accept what is mine and reflect back what is not. No anger. No blame. No fear. No worry. There is no ‘right’ and ‘wrong’; ‘good’ and ‘bad’ here. There just is. Everything is neutral until we give it power. ALL of this … in our lives … at the core … it just is.
With unconditional love of myself first, please help me take care of my spirit with gentle responsibility and forgiveness and with no need to express it if I know it can’t be heard by the other. There is no greater waste of energy than to try to convince someone of something they don’t believe in and/or cannot see. It is an impossibility due to your Universal laws for such a thing to ever be accomplished. One must know when to ‘let go’. And it is time to LET GO!!
Please be with me, Universe. This is truly communication at its ‘best’ in our world and I am BLOWN away by the massive mis-communication that keeps resulting. It is a paradox … an irony … that has almost driven me mad … seriously! Me…one of the best communicators I know … and I’ve NEVER communicated this much with so little communication actually taking place. The inefficiency is off-the-charts and what makes it crazier is that we really are trying to express the same things! Knowing that we ultimately believe in the same thing but the way we are ‘getting there’…is entirely different. We want exactly the same thing but in essence, we are speaking totally different languages about how to ‘get there’ and the wires are getting completely entangled and the reception is fuzzy, at best!
I’m pretty sure what you are trying to have me see here is that WE ARE ALREADY THERE. No gaps. No separation. The only thing that is for certain and known is the right NOW…the present moment. And that is what we are claiming we both want to be living in. And we seem to be disagreeing on how to get to this place with one another. But it isn’t about ‘getting there’ but instead ‘being here’.
We know we both want to be 100% here, 100% now .. the only ‘time’ that is known. But the words are missing by so very, very much. The logical, thinking part of me (still VERY much dominating) knows then, that there MUST be another way for us to communicate … for us to align to one another. And I know the ‘answer’ is not going to be found with my intellect…inside my head. Nope…it’s in that place that I’ve only recently dived into since 18 years old … my heart.
I know I must FEEL the ‘answer’. Please guide me. Words. Athletics. Painting. Drumming. Singing. Dancing. Inspire me to the combination of expression that my soul is calling for. I cannot resist any longer because there is now way too much to ‘lose’. He is amazing. He is wonderful. He is loving and deserving. And so am I. Thank you. Thank you for bringing us together and for this tremendous opportunity to grow. Thank you.
I am ready. I am ready to Just Let Go.
With gratitude and love,
Alyson Irene Noune
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