“Before success comes in any man’s life, he is sure to meet with much temporary defeat, and, perhaps, some failure. When defeat overtakes a man, the easiest and most logical thing to do is to quit. That is exactly what the majority of men do. More than five hundred of the most successful men this country has ever known told the author their greatest success came just one step beyond the point at which defeat had overtaken them.”
― Napoleon Hill, Think and Grow Rich
Ignoring the gender bias above, I can now personally attest to the absolute truth of Mr. Hill’s words. Actually, I suppose I won’t technically be able to do so for at least a few weeks as my “greatest success” is still to be. However, I did manage to survive two of the most challenging weeks of my life. Very different than anything I have ever experienced before – much like my entire life has been for the past 31 months. As with music & words, I have been learning that emotions also have infinite combinations. Beautiful, to be sure, but impossible to prepare yourself for once you’ve opened your heart to them all.
I’ve never consciously gone after a dream. Never, until now. Mostly because I don’t think we are encouraged in the old paradigm to do so. As a former middle school teacher, I can share from direct experience that our institutions are squishing the entire concept out of our youth at younger & younger ages. And if you are an adult with a dream? That is about as rare as finding a couple still together after 30 years. This reality is all we need to point to in order to understand why the world is seemingly as deranged as it is. We have stopped dreaming. And when you stop dreaming, you stop imagining, you cease creativity, causing innovation and genius to disappear.
During the past 6 months, I have gained tremendous respect for anyone and everyone who has ever truly ventured out of the mainstream world to any extent. Most especially, for those who have done so when only they believe in what they are pursuing. The surety you feel allows you to soar above it all when you are in the zone. Fall out of the zone, however, and fall back victim to the bull shit of today’s paradigm and you feel crazy as a mad scientist.
More than anything, sheer exhaustion made me weak & vulnerable to the very real stresses placed in my path 3 weeks ago. I was working pretty much every waking hour for 2 weeks trying like hell to get to the point where I could unveil all that has been in motion since November. But in the new Game, you cannot force what is not yet ready to be. I hit a wall and I hit it hard.
Now when this happens, though, I know. I know there is a much bigger reason for the pause. I know that in these circumstances, I had forgotten to balance myself so the Universe is simply assisting me in regaining this very necessary component of life. The Universe is certainly telling me something when things get this bonkers. I just needed to decide if I was going to listen this time or wait for the inevitable next time if I chose to ignore. And I listened…boy, did I ever listen, hear, and learn this time.
I have been very determined to bring to light the next phase of my company for the single reason of having “proof”. Even this “proof” will end up inviting more judgement & criticism than support from some. For others, it will be all they need to see & understand what I’ve been yapping about all these months. And for others still, it will all remain to appear to be too airy-fairy & woo-woo for their liking or for their support. All of this & more is completely okay. It is understandable and it is okay.
This pause was for me to prepare to be okay. I have to be okay with any and every reaction. I have to be okay with the fact that some will react while others will not. I have to be okay with the fact that some will react positively & supportively while others will not. I have to be okay with the fact that some of my relationships will change and some will not. I have to be okay with the fact that some relationships will prove to have had their time…at least for now…and it will be up to me to move on. And therein lies what has been tripping me up for the past months. My entire life I have struggled tremendously with letting go. But…it is time to let go of what doesn’t serve me positively in this endeavor and it took me some weeks (this time around) to come to grips with being okay with this too.
In my old story, even if it was “bad” I held on because it was something. It wasn’t the dream I imagined but it was something. Something was better than nothing & I didn’t have experience with anything else to know the difference. I never felt I had a choice before. I gave and gave and gave in every relationship…in every job…in every task I undertook. And often, I accepted very little in return due to my lack of personal self-worth. I took the scraps. I took every morsel I could get. But I no longer need to settle for morsels. This girl has finally matured into the woman who recognizes that she deserves more.
I deserve people in my life as real as I am. I have many, many of these folks in my world right now and those relationships are the ones upon which I will focus. I had habitually been doing the opposite. Trying to hold on to people and relationships where I was holding responsibility for more than my share. Finally I see and understand that if I stay in those relationships waiting for the other to pick up their share and complain and be unhappy as I wait, then I’m the idiot. Because we have the control. We have the final say. WE can always be the one to walk away.
It doesn’t have to be ugly. It doesn’t have to be mean. Sometimes it may need to be & if so, don’t judge yourself. Each & every relationship is unique so depart with love in whatever way you can. Be appreciative & grateful for all the hurt and pain from which you now free yourself. Because often your greatest growth has resulted from the most painful relationships and experiences of your life. Embrace them and embrace those who shared in them. That is all you can do to reach the peace that we all seek. As I said above…I listened…I heard…I learned.
I was holding on. I have been holding on. I thought it was gone…the pain of my past. Even my most recent past. But my “stuckness”, which this time, manifested in exhaustion and illness told me that I was still holding onto something. And after 2 1/2 weeks…I can say it was just general hurt. I love with ALL my heart in ALL my close relationships. And I demonstrate & communicate that love. I always have and I always will. That is all I know. But, for many from my past this has been too much. Up until recently, this has opened me up to great amounts of pain in my life. Again, I didn’t realize what I was doing. Seeking from others what they could not yet give. I wasn’t completely conscious of all of this until just months ago so it still hurts when it seems something has ended or when it becomes quite obvious that it needs to end.
My heart feels the pain very deeply. But I’ll take it…ALL of it! Because when you can learn to transcend the pain of love, this is some of the most powerful fuel that exists. Love does hurt but you don’t have to focus on that part of it. Feel it but then go find the positive side of it that also surrounds you. Quite often, citizens of this country do not need to look far to find ridiculous amounts of love. We are in the top 1% of the world in our luxuries even if our bank accounts have far less than millions. We have plenty upon which we can focus to feel how fortunate we are. Plenty. We simply need to choose to focus there.
I always forget how good this feels…to come back into the zone after being out of it for a little while. Because you see…you feel…you know…that everything is perfect. Exactly as it is today…everything is perfect. I have all I need right here with me to continue in this adventure. Most importantly, I have friends reminding me every day of the single thing I need to do to proceed…love & nurture myself. My vision only gains clarity, momentum, and power with love. When aligned with that love, the challenge of communicating my vision subsides drastically. The trust in myself returns allowing for the flow of the entire process.
No one can yet see fully what it is that I have envisioned. Few can believe me without “proof”. VERY few can support me without knowing what it is they are supporting. My character. My values. My life. None of that seems to matter much. It is only about what can be seen & recognized. I get it. I truly do. But, I cannot express how unbelievably difficult this has been.
Imagine for a moment that you have an idea that very well could change the world. Not guaranteed, of course, but just like any other idea out there, it has a chance to do so. Imagine that no one – not even your closest friends completely understand the complexity of what is in your mind. And imagine feeling that mainstream paradigm pressure of having to convince others. Imagine that you have to try to convince others that your vision isn’t crazy & all you have is words with which to accomplish this. Words, which barely scratch the surface and yet that is all you have. Imagine the madness that you may begin to feel if you stay in that world for too long…the world of trying to convince as opposed to the world of doing your best and trusting. Ahhh…another enormous lesson of this near defeat. Do my best and trust – remembering that is all that is required.
What remains is tying everything about which I’ve been writing together. It still will not be clear to many but at least I will have “proof” that I am actually working. The question of ‘what has Alyson been doing for the past 6 months’ will have an observable answer. It will now be a bit easier to send your friends & family to my site saying, ‘just check it out’. It now will be much “safer” for people to support me. And if not…it is all good. I am back to doing all I need to do…believing, trusting and focusing on all of the crazy beauty surrounding me in the world I’ve created for myself in the past two years.
Fake it ’til you make it. Well, I’ve faked on this front long enough now. Universe…I AM READY! I am ready to release the idea & all its components out into the world. I am ready for whatever results. I am balanced & when I lose my way, I know that at an absolute minimum, I have the most amazing support network in my Dream Team & in my parents. That is all I need. Let’s do this!
“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” -Eleanor Roosevelt
“You are never given a dream without also being given the power to make it true.” –Richard Bach (author of Jonathan Livingston Seagull)
Designed by Elegant Themes | Powered by Wordpress